


Sleepless Storm

by CathyStydiaScomiche



Category: Pentatonix
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Poet Scott, Poetry, Troubled Past, and he;s an asshole, and lyrics, basically angst and a slow burn, but they love each other a lot, depressed mitch, everyone cries, fucked up mitch, insomniac scott, it's quite a toxic relationship at first, scott is the first one to fall in love, scott's ex boyfriends makes an appareance, there's a lot of crying in this pretty much, there's quite an emphasis on words, they are both stupid, they go back and forth, unrequited love at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:37:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 37,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3543008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CathyStydiaScomiche/pseuds/CathyStydiaScomiche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When an insomniac Scott moves in with an exciting,mysterious singer he begins spending his days befriending him and his white nights falling in love with him.Will he take action in time or will he lose his chance?Will Mitch sacrifice his wild nightlife and his bestfriend for love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever and english isn't my first language,so be kind,will ya?I apologise for all the mistakes,I hope I can become better.So,I thought I'd try a little scomiche.  
> .Stick with me,please?
> 
> Enjoy,I look forward to any form of response!

Prologue

Scott knew he would remember that night for the rest of his life - 2 months later he relives it second by second,heartbeat by heartbeat, everyday.The images are clear and vivid in his head,he knows every gesture and shaky breath by heart.He counted the gazes they shared and turned every word upside down,desperately looking for a hidden meaning or the potential for a confession - there were little gaps of opportunities here and there,when Mitch's piercing stare made every fiber of his being warm up and try to physically shove him into his best friend.He almost dug his heels into the ground not to reach out and grab him just to see how touching the soft skin over his collarbones would feel.

He felt as if outside a storm raged on, sparing only the little flat they shared - Scott was sure that the gaze they shared over the counter that night had the power of a thousand suns and could melt basically everything,including himself and everything that he was.

Mitch's POV

Mitch woke up that night because of his cat,Wyatt-the little sphinx landed with his sharp claws on him and made him jump up from his dream.He didn't exactly remember what he was dreaming-he just knew he was incredibly hungover  and his mind was still a foggy mess.He smiled to himself at the thought of the evening before.He and Scott got drunk and watched a movie - he didn't even remember which one,but he did remember laughing until crying and leaving several wine bottles empty.What he didn't want to admit to was remembering quite a bit of flirty innuendos and glances that held on for just a moment too long.His thought wandered off and he caught himself thinking about his best friend's eyes.

He couldn't stand it.He couldn't stand the way he allowed himself to compare his eyes with the ocean -his eyes weren't the ocean,they weren't the swirls of blue the California sky paints ,he wasn't the calm after a thunderstorm or the way the house smells like home,everyday when he wakes up and makes coffee for him.

He was just his best friend,period. (or at least that's what he liked-no,needed to believe)

So he got up and decided to go get some water,since he obviously wasn't going to go back to sleep all troubled and frustrated.

"Dammit" Mitch thought as he was walking towards the kitchen.There he was.Tall,blonde,sculpted in goddamn ivory Scott,absently gazing in distance,leaning on the kitchen counter."Fuck.Contain yourself Mitch - you just need some water and"

"Hey" the blonde spoke softly,not interrupting the peace of the late hour.His greeting was almost like a shadow of a cat on an alleyway and Mitch flinched.

"You scared me." His attempt to sound casual made Mitch's voice come out like a strangled cat;he kicked himself mentally for that.He was supposed to be the very definition of calm.

"Insomnia again?" he asked,this time a little less breath in his voice,trying to perhaps make conversation.However,the fact that Scott had chronic insomnia wasn't exactly the best topic.It would've been quite tragic  if Scott hadn't been so used to it by now,having it since high-school and all."Yeah.What are you doing up?"

The blonde came forward until Mitch could recognize his silhouette in the pitch dark.As he drew closer,Mitch took a deep breath of Scott's intoxicating smell.He felt extremely tingly in the pit of his stomach.It was all silly and for some reason,Mich was infuriated with himself in that moment.He leaned his head back to look at his best-friend.

"I had some confusing dream.And a roaring headache from all the wine."Scott let out a raspy little laugh,and Mitch thought it was the most adorable freaking thing ever.Which,no.Not good.Just like the safe distance between them that was now drawing closer and closer,no longer secure.

"What are you doing?"

Mitch had to back away into the wall.Everything was silent and black - he could only hear their heartbeats,synchronizing with each other in this late-night strange harmony."Are you still a bit drunk?" Mitch laughed and tried smiling,but the corner of his mouths wouldn't move,he found,his whole body was frozen (somewhere deep inside he wondered if maybe his body just _didn't want_ to move)

No answer.The only thing that lit the room were the blonde's eyes,burning with this strange,deep flame.

Now quite literally pinning him against the wall,Scott leaned both his hands on the wallpaper,trapping Mitch between them.There was a brief moment when his palms brushed is shoulders,and Mitch inhaled sharply.This was not good for his sanity,or hi self-control.They both breathed heavily as Scott whispered,words slow and trailing.

"Do I make you _nervous_ , Mitch?"

'God,he did.What was he doing?' the brunette thought.If this was his way of trying to force the words out of Mitch,it was moments away from working-you could cut the tension with a knife in that room and Mitch realized he had goosebumps all over his body.It was weird how just by emphasizing on the word 'nervous' Scott could trigger this kind of reaction in his body.

"I said,Do .I.Make.You.Nervous" he spelled slowly.Their bodies were now basically glued to each other and the friction between their bodies made wonders for his conscientious,in the sense that everything was wiped clean from his mind and he was now an obedient,malleable piece of clay in the blonde's hands. To support himself from falling slowly against the wall,Mitch put one of his hands on Scott's muscular back;instantly,he felt his hand burning through the light cotton of his top.He was confused- what kind of game was Scott playing?

The brunette grabbed a handful of material and clenched his teeth.The blonde's hands went up and down Mitch's back and lingered on his waist,describing soft circles.The pressure he was putting on him only made everything much more intense.Mitch felt dizzy from it,wonderfully dizzy,a buzz traveling all throughout his veins and screaming wrongly in his ears 'kiss him,kiss him already' And maybe Mitch would have,if he hadn't ..

If Scott hadn't looked like he was about to say something - instead,he just backed away,and left Mitch lingering awkwardly;he could see it in the way Scott's pupils were wide and dark - he was into this,too.So what was wrong?

"Fuck.I'm hopeless-biggest coward there is." Scott murmured to himself as he walked slowly,eyes glued to the floor.

However,Mitch heard him.

Scott backed away without a word and shut the door of his room behind him -no explanation,no anything.Mitch felt a little like going back there and punching him.Or kiss him,or both really,because what are you suppose to do when someone does something like  _that_ and leaves you hanging,with your mouth opened,backed away into a wall.He couldn't breath with how heavy he felt

He stood there for another 2 hours,leaning against the wall.There was no sound from the other room,and a peaceful silence setteled around him like a fine layer of dust,with only the white noise of the world outside interrupting it.His heart was still racing,and  he could still feel the heat from Scott's body burning through him, leaving only a pile of confused,hurt ashes.


	2. Chapter 1 - Rooftop/2:30 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *at every beginning of a chapter there will be a random note Scott wrote for Mitch during one of his insomniac nights.So far,he just keeps them hidden.
> 
> Enjoy,please leave an opinion if you have so time <3

"Hey

It's 2:30 am and I am walking around our apartment again,counting the shades of auburn in your eyes -I am up to 25.Earlier I counted 200 stars and I tried to gather some sleep from them but they wouldn't share any.I almost cried at the thought that Im doing all this in our apartment,the only thing we share when actually,if it were up to me,you would have my everything,because you are my everything.

But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams."

Scott POV

It hadn't' always been like this.Scott moved in that flat 2 months ago,not knowing anything in particular about his new roommate.They spoke on the phone once or twice but not once had the blonde seen this 'Mitch'.It was quite weird to live somewhere for almost a week now and not see him at all.But they were like the sun and the moon - Mitch was infamous for his party life,wasting all his money on clubs and spending nights in luxury upstate apartments with models or other singers.He would leave when Scott was still at work,and while he was out doing gigs,partying or kissing strangers his roommate paced the apartment from one end to another.

The only interaction they had was Scott hearing a light snore from Mitch's room.

The brunette always left little notes on the fridge for Scott,things like 'I hope you have a great day' or 'Hope we can catch up sometime soon;I'm just so busy,u know ;)?' -things that made Scott smile who,in return,always left fresh coffee for when his roommate woke up.

It was the 7th day since Scott moved there and the note he found that morning was interesting in particular 'Finally gonna meet each other,'roommate' ;). 9 pm,rooftop,bring two cups'

Scott went about with his day,not thinking much about it.To be honest,he was attracted by both the mystery and the humour of the situation.He got home earlier that day from the guitar shop ,around 8:45 pm.

He eagerly grabbed two red plastic cups and climbed the stairs to the rooftop - night drew over the twinkling city and it was down-right gorgeous.Just as the boy who turned around when he spoke a soft 'Hello?'

"Oh my.Is this my roommate?" Scot thought.He was a bit startled by the person who greeted him back-he was all piercing eyes,soft skin,perfect hair,it was quite intimidating.

"Here's the man I've been sharing my fridge with for the last week.I was beginning to think you were a unicorn of some sort." the brunette chirped cheerfully as he invited Scott to sit down on the blanket he arranged near the edge of the building.

"We have quite the beautiful view" Scott said shyly,feeling uncomfortable.What was he doing being with his roommate - who looked like a model of some sort - on a roof ,looking like an idiot with his cups.

"Indeed I do" giggled Mitch,gazing at Scott,his mouth almost open and eyes wide.The other sensed the slight flirt but chose to let it slide -he was already distracted by the amazing view and the pretty boy.But he was pleased at the thought he gave off a good first impression -it was really hard to fight the other boy for it,considering how attractive he was and all.

"Before we begin a good old fashioned round of 21 questions,here " Mitch pulled out a bottle of champagne."To us" he said as he popped it open,making a festive sound.

"I tend to think of alcohol as the best appetizer.And conversation starter." they both drank theyr champagne and laughed.After exchanging basic information,Scott's tongue itched to ask the question he really wanted answered - were the rumors about Mitch true,was he really the playboy everyone described him as,where did he get all his money.But of course he didn't.

They laughed for 2 wonderful hours when Scott told Mitch about his insomnia and in return Mitch told him about his career and the shows he did in different clubs and cafe's with his friend,Kirstie.Mitch's fabulous nightlife put Scott's existence to shame,he didn't have any exciting stories to share,so now only Mitch was talking,telling stories about his drunken nights and making Scott's tummy ache from all the laughing.

By the time all the stars unraveled above them like a giant map,there wasn't a single drop of champagne left and sometime between the whispers,the giggles and jokes Scott caught himself extremely close to his roommate -theyr hands almost touching.

"What do you think love is,Scott?"

"I,uhm.."

"I think it is this realization,this existential 'oh' your being has that you never really knew love until it smiled at you for the very first time "

After a long,silent pause,Scott added simply.

"I think love is an insomniac preferring the other person's company over sleep."

Mitch suddenly fell silent and they shared a long gaze - time stopped around them and for a second,they forgot about the world they had left on the ground.

Mitch spent a ridiculous amount of time staring at Scott's lips and back to his eyes.

"Mitch.." the blonde's voice cracked a bit.He fidgeted with his fingers and bit his lip,anxious.He looked around - it was one of his favourite times of night,when the sky is both light and dark,and there is this clear,cold silence in the air.

"Why do you party so much?I mean,Its not my place to ask but like "

"Sht - the brunette's tongue tangled in his mouth and he giggled.Don't worry,I'll tell you.You see,babe,most of us are trying to destroy ourselves anyway.And I guess,well I guess I chose the most fun way."

Scott couldn't help but to feel giddy at the pet name he had been called,but he looked with sadness at Mitch.He didn't expect that answer.Mitch returned a genuine smile and ruffled the blonde's hair.He then proceeded to take out a cigarette pack out of his bag and light one up - the tip of it shining in the pitch dark like a ferry light.

Another question rolled on Scott's tongue "But why?"

But then Mitch's mobile rang.

And rang.

It was Pier,or Josh as Mitch later said "I always get those two mixed up." Scott was reminded of the contrast of both lifestyles and personalities between them - the sun and the moon comparison he developed.

And that is how Scott met Mitch,who left nothing in Scott's life as he found it,who crumbled all his walls down and who made the subject of thinking for Scott for many,many white nights from there on out.


	3. Chapter 2 - 'For he was a stunning mystery'/4:45 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer:the poem I used is by Christoper Pointdexter and I adapted it from she to he.
> 
> Enjoy,and leave me a comment telling me what I should add/change/keep,please.

Hey

It's 4:45 am and I am thinking about you,still.Don't ever assume I'm not thinking about you.Thinking about how you are alone,in your sheets,and I am here imagining your kisses putting smiles on my lips.There are times I could swear the little crinkles your eyes make when they smile could end wars.But I am here,and you are there,and my only wish at this late hour is to be the air that fills your lungs.

But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

 

Somewhere along those months,Mitch became Scott's best friend.

He didn't know how it happened -he just knew it was so easy being with him,like walking,or breathing.They completed each other -when he inhaled,he exhaled,when he laughed,Mitch laughed with him.Mitch still spent his nights out,leaving Scott behind -but this time he had something to occupy his foggy mind aside from counting stars.He would simply contemplate Mitch and try to put together the pieces he shared here and there during theyr conversations.

For he was a stunning mystery.Scott had this verse stuck in his head for days -he couldn't remember where it was from,but he always murmured it,like a mantra.Every morning Mitch would wake earlier than usual to watch Spongebob with Scott and drink coffee together -it was theyr little ritual and with time,Scott discovered that was his favorite time of the day.

One day,whilst making coffee for both of them,Scott started humming the verse on a melody he improvised.He was frustrated he couldn't remember it's source,so he just started singing his own lyrics,softly,careful not to wake Mitch.

"He was the ocean,And I was just a boy/Who loved the waves but was completely terrified to swim .. For he was a stunning mystery"

Scot finished slowly and was about to wake Mitch,when he felt two hands on his back.Frozen,he closed his eyes for a second and allowed himself to melt into the touch.Before realizing what he was doing,it was gone.

"You can sing,Scott.How come you never told me you can sing?" the brunette said,half-asleep,rough voice and everything.Scott turned around and it took everything in him not pull his friend into a comforting hug - he looked out of this world with his hair all messed up and puffy eyes.It was adorable.

"You wrote that?" asked Mitch,sitting on a stool and drinking his coffee.Interest sparked in his eyes,as he smiled satisfied after taking a gulp of his drink.

"Well,yeah.It's not finished,it's more of a poem,sorry if I woke you up and-"

"It was a lovely way to wake up.Show me when you finish,please." Scott blushed and looked down.He was sure his roommate was just being polite,his voice probably not beginning to compare to the brunette's.

That night Mitch went out again,but instead of the usual goodbye-wave he hugged Scott really tight.It was fast,but it left him staring into blank,surprised at the shock of electricity that went through his body.It felt warm,but a good kind of warm - as he was hugging him,he couldn't help but think that even if they were glued together into the tightest hug there is,he would still feel the urge to whisper 'Come closer'.

He hoped one day Mitch would not get out the door at 9 pm and instead would get into his pajamas and watch movies with Scott all night.He laughed at his silly hope and as soon as Mitch closed the door behind him that night,he sat down in front of the window and started writing -he now had his poem traced clearly in his mind.But he wouldn't admit the hug is what made it so clear and easy to finish.

Mitch was his first best friend,at the thought of losing him crushed his very being.Although they didn't spent that much time together,he cherished every little minute with him.He remembered the first time he made Mitch laugh as the first time his heart wanted to escape from his chest,over-bursting with joy.

He felt incredibly silly being so attached to him and knowing that probably Mitch just saw him as a random roommate,so he put all of his emotions into writing.The words seemed to flow up from somewhere inside him -he didn't know what it was,so he just went it.

As the sunrise drew in he realized he actually missed Mitch - and to be honest,it hurt.

Mitch's POV

It was about 6 am when Mitch got home,stumbling over his own shoes,still a bit tipsy from last night.He laughed at his own clumsiness and walked across the apartment with his shoes in his right hand and his cat,Wyatt,in the other.He lost the count of champagne bottles at 3 - after that it was all a drunken blur,but he vaguely remembered falling asleep in a mansion balcony with his legs intertwined with a complete stranger's.He got merely 2 hours of sleep before returning home,with an annoying ball of guilt in his stomach.This never happened to him before Scott moved in,but now it hurt him a bit to leave the poor blonde behind,staring into the ceiling all night.

But Scott didn't deserve the kind of destruction Mitch was inflicting upon himself,so he just played it cool and went about with his life.As he was walking towards his room a note on the fridge caught his attention.It was Scott's handwriting.

"I admit,

I was afraid

to love.

Not just love

but love him.

For he was a stunning mystery.

He carried things

deep inside him that no one has yet to understand,

and I,

I was afraid to fail,

like the others.

He was the ocean,

and I was just a boy

who loved the waves

but was completely

terrified to

swim."

Mitch stood there,not knowing what to say,or think,or do.Scott could write - his poem was beautiful,but it gave a strange sensation to Mitch,some sort of butterflies,some sort of worry.

And jealousy.He was most definitely jealous.Who was the muse behind Scott's creation?How did that person get so deep beneath his skin that he made his roommate write such passionate words?

Wait,what.Jealousy? Mitch shook his head.No,it was still there,loud and clear.It was like a punch in the stomach.He hated complicating things - so instead of standing there and thinking about what exactly was he jealous about,he went to sleep,pulling his covers above his head and shutting the world out.

He was standing on the thin life between awareness and sleep when it hit him -What if the poem was for him?


	4. Chapter 3 - Drunk/3:26 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be lovely,I wouldn't mind some suggestions.Here is the song Scott was singing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sVlESOmPmc . Enjoy!

Hey

It's 3:26 am and here I am ,wishing I'd woken up up to see the vague outline of your body lying next to me on the bed,your chest rising in a peaceful rhythm as you inhale and exhale.My only wish in this world is laying my head on your chest and drifting away to the sound of your beating heart - but it's 3:30 am now and I come back to the reality that you're not mine and I don't sleep,I just dream.

But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

In the little time he managed to get some sleep,which happened only in the mornings,after 5 or 6 am,Scott had vivid dreams he always remembered.They were always like memories from another life,or to be more exact -memories of things that never really happened but could've.

That was the reason 20 minutes after violently waking up from his short slumber he still sat on the edge of his bed,with his head in his hands,completely freaked out.

His dream was about Mitch.And it hit him hard - he always trusted his sub-conscious because he was certain that after so many years of being under-slept all the time,it used what time he had carefully.

They were on a rooftop somewhere and at first,Scott couldn't hear what they were saying.They seemed to be arguing.As if a volume button was pressed,he could suddenly hear.Mitch looked desperate to convince the blonde of something.He was almost pounding his little fists in Scott's chest and they were looking each other dead in the eye.The brunette looked like he was about to cry and you couldn't hear anything except their voices - it was the familiar feeling Scott got around his best friend,as if the world was shut down around them and they were the only ones there.

" .. but why don't you believe me already?I don't want to break your heart,I'm not tricking you,this is not a joke-" Mitch almost screamed at the blonde.

"Breaking my heart would be like throwing rocks at your own glass home anyway" Scott softly said with sorrow in his voice.

"You!" Mitch exclaimed,pointing a finger into the other's chest."You and your goddamn words and your blue eyes and your everything,why won' you believe me?You are driving me insane!Why can't you see it already,I fuckin lo-"

Scott woke up suddenly,shivering.His sheets were soaked and patches of morning light were sprawled across his bed,warming up his skin.His heartbeat was rapid and he was almost out of breath.All he wanted in that moment was a tight embrace- he wanted Mitch.

Whenever he was around him,a blanket of peace and comfort was wrapped around him and it felt right.He wanted to be whatever Mitch needed him to be - he couldn't exactly put his finger on it,but he knew he craved him.Maybe it was because he couldn't ever have him or know him entirely,as part of him was always hidden.

Or because someone like him would never go for someone like Scott.

So his dream disappointed him a bit -he trusted his dreams to make sense and have a hidden meaning,but in this one Mitch was about to say he loves Scott,which was clearly not the case.

Everything inside him was stirred up,and he felt it wasn't much until he was pushed from he edge he was sitting on.As days went by,he and Mitch got closer and closer and started spending more time together.Mitch went out later at night so they their evenings consisted of watching tv or just talking -he never told Scott his full story,but the blonde was there to listen to whatever he said anyway.

There was this night Mitch came home bawling his eyes out and refused to talk,making his roommate worried sick.He understood it was because of some boy,and although jealousy stood like a gimp in his back all night,he comforted the brunette as best as he could.

And maybe he enjoyed having Mitch falling asleep in his lap more than he should've,and maybe he spent too much time counting the times his best friend's chest rose up and down,until sunrise.

Exhausted from overthinking,Scott shook his head.Coffee,he needed coffee.He needed solitude and clear air.But of course he ran into his roomate,all happy and energetic,who rambled about having pancakes for breakfast and about how beautiful the sky was that morning as he drove to Starbucks.

Mitch was extremely nice and sensitive about Scott's insomnia,so he was always happy when his roomate finally got some sleep.The blonde nodded along at Mitch's rambling and just tried to shut his mind of.As he was pouring his coffee,Scott forgot everything around him for a second and he started humming unconsciously an old song "Today .. is a slow day/And I'm playing guitar/'Till the day goes away/Trying to write a song that says "I love you"/Trying to let you know .. I do"

But Mitch was still there.As Scot finished singing,all he could say was a little 'woah',and the room fell silent.Scott looked like a deer in the headlights,as if he completely forgot Mitch was there.He tried to brush it off and escape to his room,and the brunette tried to go towards the kitchen counter,so they bumped into each other halfway.Mitch looked up and stared directly at Scott for what seemed like days,months,years for both of them.

They shared a little awkward moment when they both tried going the same direction,not being able to pass each other.Finally,Scott picked Mitch up delicately by his waist,twirling him in the air to the other side.He was light as a feather.

That simple gesture sent his body into a mass of tingles,like a chain reaction all across his skin -he got goosebumps up his spine and clouds fogged his mind.

So he sprinted into his room and remained there for several hours.

Mitch's POV

Mitch was pissed.

It had been a weird and frustrating day.It was rarely that the brunette felt so agitated and confused,but when it hit him,it hit him hard.

On one hand,it was his sort-of-boyfriend-kind-of-not Josh.They often went partying together and for the past month or so,they had been sleeping together too.Josh looked at it as more of a fuck-buddies situation,but as they spent more drunken nights together Mitch started to develop some sort of feelings for him.

He was too proud to admit it -but sometimes he got fed up with being ignored after a night of dancing and kissing on random balconies,so he broke down crying.He was pathetic,but what else was new.He followed Josh around everywhere and he got treated like a door mat - just a little text from him could make him giggle and hyperventilate and Josh took advance of this.

When Scott moved in with him Josh had just started to show some kind of interest -he even took him out once,but they spent theyr night kissing instead of talking,so they didn't get to know each other.

And things got complicated.

It wasn't only the weird vibe he got from Scott.

It was him,and all that he was.

He quickly became his best friend.And everyday he was mesmerized by him - it was the soft way he spoke ,his intricate words and his talent in writing, the way he hummed to himself with his beautiful voice,the way his eyes clouded when he was sad or tired and they way they lit up when Mitch made him laugh -which was his favorite thing in the world to do.

And then there were his poems and his songs.Scott didn't know,but Mitch paid attention to every single one of them.He was struggling not to read too much into them.So,to avoid ruining everything by holding on to Scott's hand too much one day or by gazing too much into his eyes,he concentrated his attention on Josh.

But on that night it was a little hard too.He wanted him so bad - so he became a little desperate with his texts.After calling him several times,Josh finally picked up.It sounded like he was in a club and there was another male voice beside him that kept calling him 'Josh-iiiee' - Josh quickly said he couldn't hang out that night and ended the call.

"I'm not going out" Mitch mumbled from the couch when Scott got home.Mitch was shattered into pieces -he felt hurt,and useless,and pathetic,and everything bad.He went to his room and brought back several bottles of wine.

"Let's drink." he opened one bottle and poured two glasses for them.

"What's the occasion?"

"For stupid,ignorant jerks.And for you,who are the exact opposite."

And so they drank.A lot.And laughed - a lot.

3 bottles of wine later Mitch got extremely touchy.And maybe because he was a little heartbroken and maybe because he wanted to forget about stupid Josh,Mitch used Scott to distract himself.

The blonde was laughing about something stupid when Mitch pretended to tackle him down just to climb on top of him.Scott whined at the pressure that was being put on him and tried to get out.

"Shh,mister.I know you love it" Mitch smirked at him.

But Scott was just as drunk as him,so on an impulse,he rolled around trapping Mitch beneath him.They just stood there,in the dark,smiling at each other until Scott whispered,drunk :

"When I was a little kid,my parents warned me about things like alcohol and drugs -the kind you swallow or snort.But they never warned me about drugs like you,drugs with auburn eyes and a heartbeat" 

Mitch pulled the other in a tight embrace,his hands going up his back as he intertwined his legs with the blonde's - it was perfect.

Scott's lips started to trace a line on Mitch's neck and all that the brunette could think was 

"Scott's kissing my neck.Oh god,oh god,oh god."

The pain in his heart only made the touch sweeter.His boozy mind wasn't realizing what was going on,but it felt good.And as Scott's little kisses made his heart flutter,he couldn't help but feel as if all his little broken pieces were being glued back together by their embrace.

And that's when Mitch blacked out.


	5. Chapter 4 - The balcony/5 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the song Scott was singing
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_XQaIcIAfg&index=10&list=FLfPKufmaCtDDtpQGUgFobkQ  
> enjoy!

Hey

It's 5 am- I am sitting here while the city is spinning around me and I just realized that if I'd known "goodnight" really meant "goodbye" I guess I would have tried to kiss you a little longer that night.There are 5 storeys between my feet and the concrete,on which I could so easily smash right now,giving my last breath -don't worry,that would be for you too,just like everything else I do.

But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

Scott woke up that morning on the living room floor,next to Mitch.It was about 8 am and he was surprised at the amount of sleep he actually got -almost 4 and a half hours in a row,which was much more than he usual.He just guessed that's what a ridiculous amount of wine did to somebody.

Or maybe it was his best friend.

What happened last night?

The first thing he noticed was the balcony door was slightly open - a sign that Mitch was smoking last night,which he only did when he was extremely sad or extremely drunk.The cold,crisp air of the morning made Mitch shiver in his sleep.As if it was the most normal thing to do in the world,the blonde covered his roommate with a fluffy blanket and removed a few locks of hair from his forehead,his fingers lingering in his hair a bit too much.

He then got up and stretched,sounding like a little dinosaur baby.

"That was adorable."

Scott froze.Something was off,something was changed.Whatever vague feelings he had for Mitch before,now they had transformed into this weird realization that he was the sincere happiness behind his smile and he craved him in the most innocent way,he craved whatever Mitch would give to him - even if it was only his friendship,it was totally worthy it.

"Is that coffee I smell?" Mitch said with a raspy voice from beneath the pile of blankets,bringing Scott back to reality.

Scott rolled his eyes at him and laughed "Coming right up princess"

As he was making coffee,he turned on his phone on low and started singing along with it,as he usually did.The flow of the music was relaxing,but it had something sad about it,which made him love it.

"Now you're lost

Lost in the heat of it all

You know you're lost

Lost in the thrill of it all"

"Sing that last part again".Mitch was standing behind him,having a delighted smile on his face. Scott looked amused at him,but he would've done anything for him,so he started again -this time Mitch joined him,and their voices completed each other perfectly and when they finished they both had big grins on their faces.

'Woah,we sound amazing.Have you ever considered siinging in a - wait a second.Yes,hi Josh.No,I'm not doing anything' he said as he answered his phone

Scott's good mood was gone before he knew it - like a lightning,it only took a second and it was barely there.He could hear Mitch talking from the living room and it broke him apart "Yeah,I've got no plans.A date sounds nice.I still can't believe you accepted to be my boyfriend.No,you're the sweetest.Yeah,ok.See you,bye"

When Mitch came back Scott was already gone,pacing around his room,trying his hardest not to hit a wall or something,desperately saying to himself he had no rights over his best friend and he had no reason to think Mitch would ever give him a second look.

That day he had a terrible time at work.He came home tired and still frustrated because he couldn't remember what they did the other night that made things change so much.But what was worse was yet to come.

He spent his evening listening to Mitch ramble excited about his date,about how surprised he was,about how things with Josh were getting better and how he really really liked him - all of these while running around the apartment,getting ready.Meanwhile,Scott was digging his fingernails in the couch and biting the inside of his cheeks - he didn't want to break down and start saying things that would ruin Mitch's night.All he wanted to do was to take the brunette's hands into his ,look him in the eye and say "Please don't go,don't go with him.Stay here with me.I'm not sure what I feel about you,I just know I really,really want you to be mine."

But there he was,ready to get out the door,looking flawless.His body,the way he moved around as if he was dancing to some inner music,his addicting voice - everything was amplified and it stirred all kind of things inside of Scott.He wanted him at his best,his lowest,he wanted his little laughs and he wanted to confirm his idea that if they were to tangle their hands together,they would fit perfectly together,like they were made to be there.

"Bye Scott,don't wait up" Mitch said as he gave him a kiss on the cheek and left the blonde alone once more.

Exactly 5 hours later,Scott was standing on the balcony,floating in his own thoughts,when it all came back to him,like an avalanche.

They kissed.

Well,not exactly.He kissed Mitch's neck.And they laid for a really long time hugging,on the floor.And he told him all kind of words,words with deep meanings,words that basically confessed him being in love.

None of which Mitch actually remembered.

Then the brunette tried to kiss him -for real this time- and whatever consciousness Scott had left in that moment made stopped him.Now it all made sense -that's when Mitch went smoking,mumbling drunk swears at Scott, eventually coming back on the floor and snuggling with him until they both fell asleep.

And oh god,it was the most wonderful memory Scott had - but it was all wrong.

"Dammit,dammit,dammit.What the hell am I suppose to do now?" he sighed.Mitch had Josh,but Scott had all these memories he didn't know what to do with,vivid memories of their hips brushing against each other,memories of his lips tracing the line of Mitch's neck over and over again.So he started writing,put his note on the fridge and went straight to sleep - he had no dreams and fell asleep immediately.

Mitch's POV

It had been a wonderful night - Josh swept him off his feet with the fancy italian restaurant,the nice words,the slow dancing.He couldn't believe he was doing the walk of shame towards his own apartment.He walked into his apartment to see another poem of Scott's on the fridge.But this time it was different - the blonde always left him his poems to read in the morning,but this one was almost like a letter,and he knew immediately something was off.

"It's 2am

And I can't sleep

I turn over and you are not there.

All I hear is my unsteady breathing,

And the rain hitting my window.

I wish it would stop so

I could somehow try to bring you back to me.

I'm so sick of laying in this bed alone

Thoughts flood in my mind that 

You have found someone else,

And you're cuddled up to him now.

And it's not raining where you are."

It rained the previous night,too.So he scribbled on a paper a reply and taped it to the fridge - he did his best,as he didn't know to write like Scott did.

"Sorry for smelling like cigarette smoke and staring at you all the time and laughing too loud and having a shaky voice when you tell me beautiful words that weren't made for people like me.'

Mitch kind of knew.And Scott knew -especially considering the recent events.But none of them had the courage to admit it.

Narrator's POV

And it only became worse from there.

A vicious cycle started to happen -every week or so Josh was a jerk to Mitch,forgetting about him,ignoring his calls,even kissing other people in front of him,which he claimed it was 'just because of the booze,no big deal' so Mitch would come home and get extremely drunk with Scott,seeking comfort.But at this point the blonde only pretended to drink,being semi-sober most of the time.

And it broke Scott's heart.Every now and then he would get these wonderful nights when he didn't have to be alone anymore,nights when Mitch spoke drunk love words to him and cuddled with him.He was painfully aware he was being used but he couldn't't help it,he couldn't't stop it - every day the bags under his eyes got worse and he looked more and more sad.Mitch was destroying him bit by bit without even realizing.

It was one of those nights - somehow Mitch ended up on top of Scott again,on the couch,and they were doing one of their staring contests -whoever blinked first loosed.Mitch couldn't 't help it,because it was just the right moment,and the alcohol made his head lighters -those were valid reasons to do it in his head -So his hands started going up Scott's shirt and before he knew it,he kissed him,softly brushing his lips against Scott's."I lose" he whispered and they both giggled.They kissed until their lips started burning,Scott getting on top and supporting the brunette's back so they could deepen the kiss.

But as some point,Scott's eyes filled with tears,so he stopped abruptly and he got up,ran into the balcony and shut the door behind him.

He didnt get nervous,he didnt bail out.As he was having the most perfect moment of his life,the high point of the past two months,he realized something.He realized that in order for Mitch to kiss him,he had to be extremely drunk.That's how little he valued.He didn't' matter,not even one bit.He was probably already asleep in the other room.

So he started sobbing,crying until sunrise,until his eyes turned red,until there was no sound left except his slow heartbeat.It sounded like something broke inside him,and he crumbled under the weigh of his self-inflicted heartbreak.

But what he didn't know was that Mitch was awake in the other room,spending almost 2 hours listening to Scott sob in the balcony,his knuckles white from clawing his hands into the sofa so hard,so he wouldn't get up and go after him.


	6. Chapter 5 - Abandoned/1:20 am

Hey

It's 1:20 am and I wanted to let you know that back then,I didn't know how to say it when it was the right time -my voice cracked and I started crying because the only way I could tell you how in love I am would've been by having your lips against mine and you remembering it all,too -so I stopped myself because while you are a whole galaxy,I am barely a crack in the pavement.

But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

"Scott,are you there?It's almost 9 am,don't you have work?" 

No answer.

Mitch knocked again.Scott was laying in his bed,with music playing incredibly loud and he was smoking,staring blankly into the ceiling."What are you doing?" asked Mitch when he walked in,the room filled with smoke and resembling a bar."Since when do you smoke?"

"Since when do you care" Scott responded mockingly.

"How much have you smoked?"

"Like 2 packs or something."

Mitch gasped in horror and took a good look at Scott.

He was destroyed,to say the least.His eyes were red,and they had something extremely cold inside them - their light had died and now they looked like a stormy night.He felt as if his lungs were about to collapse from all the smoking and his voice was harsh and almost like a whisper.

He just didn't care about himself anymore.He spent his night smoking non-stop,until his fingers were shaking and he couldn't even feel the smoke anymore,to the point it was almost like inhaling oxygen.He didn't sleep at all.He kept reliving the kiss in his head over and over again - he tortured himself by thinking how would it be if Mitch was his and they would spend every night wrapped up in eachother's presence.

"Come help me clean around,Kirstie is coming over".Even if Mitch looked worried,Scott wouldn't have noticed - it's not like he cared anyway.He walked around the kitchen,gathering cups and plates from the night before when,out of nowhere,he asked

"So,shouldn't we talk about what happened last night?"Mitch stopped in the middle of washing dishes and looked Scott in the eye.The room was completely silent ,and there was a long silence.

"What happened last night?

Then 3 things happened at once: the doorbell rang,Scott dropped the plate he was holding and he murmured under his breath "You've got to be kidding me"

Mitch didn't get the chance to respond because Kirstie walked in,singing "I'm hereee".Meanwhile Scot started gathering the pieces from the plate and tried to keep himself together-Kirstie was his friend too and he didn't want her to worry.

"I brought you guys Starbucks and- Scott are you ok?" she put a hand over her mouth at the sight of the blonde,who just guessed he looked worse than what he thought.

"Yeah,I'm just..I'll be right back." and with that,he ran into his room.He couldn't bare it anymore.

Mitch's POV

"What happened here?This place is like the scene of a shipwreck.Have you looked at him?He looks like he's been crying for the last 2 days non-stop." Kirstie almost yelled at Mitch.

The brunette sat on the couch and covered his face with his hands.

"Im..I,ugh,we kissed.And I..god,look what have I done to him."

His voice trembled and he was on the verge of tears -Kirstie came and put her arms around him.

"I thought you said you weren't getting attached,that he was just distracting you from Josh being an ass."

"I remember,Kirstie,I remember it this time-there were times I used to black out but I remember this clearly.I lied to him,again."

Kirstied sighed."Why don't you just tell him you remember?"

"I simply can't -he's got someone,I'm sure,have you seen the poetry that he writes?And I have Josh and it's all a mess and I can't drag him down with me ,I'll destroy him just like I do with myself,he doesn't deserve it.I just couldn't' help it ,Kirstie.I just wanted to surrender and wrap him in my arms.Being with him gives me this blind happiness,because I know I won't need a blue sky ever again when I can simply look into his eyes.He's far too wonderful to be broken ,he makes me forget everything."

"You..you remember?"

Scott was standing in hall doorway,with his hand over his mouth,a mixture of shock and hurt in his eyes.He then grabbed his keys and ran out,not saying another word.

"I screwed up,I screwed up,I screwed up" -Mitch kept saying those words over and over again,curled up in a ball and with his head in Kirstie's lap.It was his turn to cry - he deserved all the bad things that ever happened to him.But when night came around and Scott still didn't get home,he got anxious.

Scott didn't have his phone with him.As night drew in over the city,Mitch started to be worried sick and he kept imagining terrifying scenarios in his head - Scott getting beat up in some dark alley,or someone slipping some drugs into his drink at a bar,all kind of things that only made driving and trying to find him harder.His vision was already blurry from the hot streams of tears coming from his eyes,as he whispered over and over again "Please God,please be ok,please be ok"

He checked all kind of bars and shops Scot liked.He was nowhere,and Mitch had to stop the car on the side of the road because his shoulders were shaking so bad from his sobbing.It was his fault Scott was now probably unconscious on some bathroom floor or worst,thinking he deserved all that happened to him.He then remember this building Scott mentioned once -it was an abandoned construction that was suppose to be a mall,but now being just a 6 foot concrete tower,with no windows or doors. 

As he was parking near the building,his heart skipped a beat.He was there.He was ok,thanks god - 

But it took him just a second to realize Scott was standing with his legs over the edge of the building,smoking.

No,no,no.This just couldn't be - Mitch ran up the stairs and when he finally reached the roof the tried his best not to scare Scott,who somehow knew the brunette was here even though he was behind him.

"How did you know I was here"

"I'm so sorry,Scott.This isn't how things were suppose to be.Come here and talk to me,please.I beg you"

The night was cold and the wind gave shivers to Mitch -he couldn't;t bare seeing Scott sitting there so relaxed,playing with the idea of death.At least not alone.

So he walked towards the edge and sat next to him.He was terrified,but this was the only way he felt he could get him to listen.But instead,Scott started talking in a husky tone.His voice sounded hopeless.

"I..I was ok with you using me to forget your boyfriend for a while-he treats you so bad,so I could see why you felt the need to get incredibly drunk every now and again just to forget but you..you remember.I've spent the last 24 hours trying to erase you out of every fiber of my being and pushing you out of me,but I failed -I thought those memories were mine to hold when I can't sleep and I'm alone,but you remember -you can have them now,you can have everything.Break me apart,I don't care anymore."

"I don't deserve you.I refuse to make you sink with me - please be with that person you write about,you talk about him like he could give you the moon and the sun on a silver platter if you asked,please be with that someone that makes you fall in love with a new part of him everyday.And don't ever let me use you again -because I am so weak.Do you know how intoxicating you are?I can't get enough of you."

Mitch whispered the last part.

Scott closed his eyes for a second,letting his imagination flow - he moved his body closer and closer to Mitch,until his cold hands were describing circles on the warm skin underneath the brunette's shirt and he could see himself in the reflection of his eyes.He brushed his lips across his softly and Mitch responded immediately,biting his bottom lip.

But then Scott opened his eyes,and nothing had happened -Mitch was just there,looking at him,anxious for a reply.If it were meant to be,Mitch would have realized on his own how infatuated with him Scott was.So,even though it was the most painful thing he ever had to do,Scot nodded.

"Ok,let's put an end to this.We'll just be roommates."


	7. Chapter 6 - The guilt/4:40 am

Hey  
It's 4:40 am and I'm roaming the dark streets -I've never felt more alone and scared.The place in my pocket where your warm hand was supposed to be,locked with mine,now rests a cigarette that is supposed to fill this incredible gap you left in my heart - you're missing from me,because you are a part of me.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Mitch's POV  
It was definitely easier said than done.He had the best combination -an amazing roommate ,a great career and a nice boyfriend,so why was he still feeling like something was missing?He was due to leave for New York in a week with Kirstie for their first real concert,so he had a lot rehearsals and Josh was better than ever,taking him out constantly and making an effort to commit - so why all he could still about were Scott's eyes?

Looking from outside,when they were together at home it looked like they were doing some sort of weird,synchronized dance.Everytime Mitch came from behind Scott to wrap his hands around his slim waist like he used to or lean his forehead on his back,taking in all the heat from his body and his wonderful cologne smell,he backed away immediately,putting his hands in his pocket and grunting in frustration.

It was the same with Scott,if not worse.He walked around the apartment on his tip toes - he did his best not be noticed or to be around Mitch too much.He missed him so much -he missed fixing his hair and it being a normal,easy gesture,he missed their stare contests,and their goodbye hugs,and their good morning hugs,and the lingering touches,and rubbing his index finger on his wrist in a comforting touch - and oh god,he missed it all so much,but Scott was just a roommate for him,they both made it clear,and while Scott was resolving his urges to hug Mitch or to just be around him by smoking,the brunette was out with his real boyfriend,who had the privilege of holding his hand and run the tip of his fingers along Mitch's neck without having a big conversation about them being bad for each other after.

Every time Mitch read one of Scott's new poems or caught him singing love songs he would get this overwhelming wave of jealousy and sadness - sadness because he was sure Josh would never feel like that for him ,and jealousy because Scott wrote those hauntingly beautiful words for someone else.

They often ran into each other at night,when Mitch wanted a snack and Scott was walking around the apartment as usual.One night Mitch ran over Scott in the living room,where he was singing in a whispering voice - he had his back towards him and just the sight of his vague outline made his ribcage thigten and his heartbeat quicken.Dammit.  
"This is stupid" he whispered,startling Scott.  
"What it?"  
"This,us.It's stupid and it's frustrating me." - Scott didn't expect Mitch to speak the exact words he was thinking too.He giggled.  
"Yeah,it kind of is.Come here."

The brunette walked across the apartment and,without a word,Scott took him in his arms.Their bodies fitted perfectly,like two pieces of a puzzle,and they both closed their eyes.Mitch nuzzled his nose into Scott's chest and he could hear his rapid heartbeat -he put a hand over it -he felt this hopeless need to be as close to him as possible.He sighed with relief,as if he waited for that moment for weeks.Then he chuckled.

"Mm,what's so funny?" Scott asked,amused.  
"Either you didn't take your heart medicine today or I'm the one making your heart beating so fast -which one is it"  
"It's you." Scott sounded dead serious.Mitch tried to brush it off by laughing nervously and looking down,leaning his forehead against Scott -it was like his own little nest.It didn't feel euphoric like his nights out with Josh,or exciting like when he was performing with Kirstie,it felt different- it felt warm,and right.  
It felt like home.

At some point Scott took Mitch's hand and locked it with his,squeezing it from time to time to remind him he was still there,that he wasn't the only one lost in the moment.The apartment could've been on fire -neither of them would've noticed.How long had it been since they started hugging?Hours?

Even though he wanted to stay there forever,Mitch coughed and just like that,they broke off their embrace.  
"I'm just gonna..I,I'll try to sleep" Mitch stuttered nervously and walked to his room.He could hear Scott laugh behind him.  
Half an hour later,Mitch still wasn't asleep -he was just staring into the ceiling.He could see Scott's door open,so he said in a soft voice,kind of hoping Scott heard him.  
"I'm still thinking about that hug."  
The apartment was silent - just when he was about to fall asleep,Mitch heard Scott's voice from the other room.

"Yeah,me too."  
And Scott could've sworn he heard something too - a little sob,the kind you can hear when someone makes an effort not be heard crying.

Scott's POV

Scott had a pretty good day.His manager at work heard him sing and was impressed,so he invited him to come the next day after work and play him some songs and talk about maybe recording something.He had a skip in his step as he was walking down his street -he picked up Starbucks and was excited to tell Mitch all about it.  
As soon as he walked in he knew something was wrong.Even though it wasn't night outside yet the apartment was completely dark,all the curtains pulled,with no loud music playing.At first Scott thought Mitch wasn't home - but then he heard a light sob from the couch.

When he came closer he discovered a mountain of blankets,Wyatt curled up on top of it - he assumed Mitch was under there.So he kneeled besides the couch and lifted one of the covers.  
"What's wrong,Mitch?Is it Josh again?What did the idiot do now?"  
He heard a small voice,gutted by tears,and his chest tightened - he wasn't ready for another night like the ones before.  
"I thought .. I thought you were out on a date with that guy so I called Josh and .."  
Scott forced himself not to tell the brunette there was no one,it was all for him,his heart was his - but he was more concerned with Mitch's heartbreak at that moment,so he just nodded.  
".. he came over an we were,um,kissing,when he noticed some hickeys Kirstie once gave me as dare,but he wouldn't let me explain and.."  
Scott turned around to pull the curtains and let the late sun in.He was prepared to say something,but when he turned around his heart dropped.  
"..and he got kind of mad" Mitch finished,letting out another sob.

Josh hit him.More likely,he beat him up.He had bruises all along his jawline ,on his neck and probably down his shirt too.As Scott looked at each blue and purple mark along his beautiful skin he felt as if he had taken the hits,too.He held his breath,locked in place,gazing over the person who was his everything,who looked so small and helpless in that moment,sitting with his hands between his legs,looking down,covered in blankets and tear stains -his heart shattered.

But then he felt furious - his eyes hid a raging fire,he felt as if he wanted to make Josh one with the ground.If Mitch was his that never would've happen.It was his fault.  
He jumped across the room to kneel before Mitch.He took his little,fragile hands into his and rubbed circles with his index fingers,in their usual,comforting touch.He ran his fingers across Mitch's face - there was so much damage,he wanted to cry too and kiss each and every little bruise until it was all ok,until he fixed him under his touch.

"It's ok now,it's ok." Mitch's shoulders were shaking and his entire being felt so defenseless,so easy to break under any word or touch.Scott taking him in his arms didn't help -he started crying even harder.They formed some sort of sad cocoon wrapped in blankets,with Wyatt by their side.  
"It's ok babe,I'm here.I promise this won't ever happen again.You're safe now"Everytime Mitch looked up at him Scott's heart broke a little,too.Something had changed in his once vibrant look - he seemed afraid of everything and was holding on to dear life to Scott.

Eventually,Mitch dozed off.Scott called Kirstie and asked her to come over for a bit.As soon as she arrived he explained what was going on and left.When the brunette woke up,an hour later,Scott wasn't there.He missed his warmth and nothing ever felt more lonely than his sheets who lacked the blonde's radiant presence.Nonetheless,he heard Kirstie's soft singing voice in his kitchen,so he calmed a bit,and tried to get back to sleep.  
But suddenly,he opened up his eyes in horror.He knew where Scott was - he was going after Josh.

_________________________

Two hours later,Scott was walking up the stairs in his building - his entire body was tense and his knuckles were bloody and bruised.He prayed Mitch was asleep when he arrived and he had time to bandage them.  
But as soon as he walked in,Mitch showed up in the doorway,looking extremely confused and worried, in his pj's and with a blanket around him.He threw himself at Scott and pulled him in a tight hug,backing away shortly after and looking intensely at him.

"What happened?You went after Josh,didn't't you?Did you two ..oh my god."Mitch suddenly noticed Scott's hands -he tried to hide them behind his back,but it was too late.Mitch took them into his and stared at them until tears gathered into his eyes.  
"Don't worry about it,Mitch,we just had a talk .."  
"A talk,you call this a talk?You two could've killed each other.You don't know Josh - what would I have done without you?"

Although the situation was all along tragic,Scott couldn't help but feel his heart flutter at the last sentence.Mitch could've said Josh's name instead of his,but he chose not to.Their talk was interrupted by Kirstie joining them,gasping in horror at the sight of Scott's hands.Her eyes were puffy and red,and for a second the blonde wondered with worry what was the reason behind them -but then he remembered what Mitch said about getting his hickeys from Kirstie,so he figured she felt guilty.He wanted to hug her too and tell her it wasn't her fault -it was all awful.

"Scott,come to me to the kitchen,I'll take care of your hands.Mitch,go in the living room and we'll join you in a second."  
Mitch obeyed and the other two sat down in the kitchen,where Kirstie started to bandage Scott's hands as they were talking in whisper.  
"Tell me what happened.I was sure that's where you were going the second you told me about Mitch -I just knew I couldn't stop you."  
"You were right.I went to this fancy bar I knew he works at and called him outside.I confronted him and he pretty much laughed at me -you should've seen his smirk,Kirstie.Oh god,I wanted to kill him -he talked about Mitch like he was his possession,someone he could toy with or hit whenever he wanted" Scott's voice started to raise as he was filling with leftover anger.From the looks Kirstie was giving him,it seemed like she agreed with him.

"He pushed me and started to mock me about how I had no guts to do something anyway.So I punched him - before you say anything,I don't regret it not one bit.When we were finished he was on the ground,asking me to stop."Scott had a smug face on -he hoped the prick learnt his lesson.He knew violence wasn't the answer,but it seemed to be the only to scare him out of ever hitting Mitch again."Then he said some other things,trying to scare me too - but they didn't really work."  
Kirstie smiled at him and raised her eyebrows."I think I know what he wanted - he told you he was going to tell Mitch about your feelings for him,didn't he?"

Scott didn't' even question it.Kirstie saw everything anyway.He just nodded and tried to hide a grin.Kirstie put one of her soft hands on his cheek and looked him in the eye.  
"I never liked that asshole anyway.I think he belongs with you.He pushed you off because he thinks he will destroy you,too.Mitch has a complicated past -I was there for most of it."  
"A-hem" Mitch coughed as he walked in the kitchen."I hope I'm not interrupting,but I was getting bored in there."Even with his face bruised and his eyes red form crying,Scott still found him adorable.As if it was the most normal thing to do,Mitch sat on his lap and ran his fingers through his hair,making his heart skip a beat.He w  
as chatting happily with Kirstie about their concert next week,while she was throwing suggestive glances at Scott,who mouthed an amused 'Fuck you' at her behind Mitch.  
Later that night,the three of them were sitting on the couch,watching a movie,when Mitch fell asleep,cuddled up in between the two of them.Scott looked at him with such adoration,he felt his heart rising up from his chest - if Mitch would've been a drug,he would be an addict.Nothing reminded him of Mitch,he was like nothing he had seen before -but he found him in everything he did or said or thought,he was everywhere -he picked up his bad vices and his silly habits,he opened up to him and he gave him everything he could ,except a confession.

He looked at Kirstie with a sad smile -instead,she was grinning at him.  
"I think I love him" he said simply,as if he had known it for ages but just know resigned himself with the idea.  
"It was about time you noticed" chuckled Kirstie,going back to the movie.  
And that was it -that it was all it took.  
___________________________________

One week later,that was still all he could think about as Mitch ran around the apartment,packing his bags,getting ready to leave for New York.They didn't't know how long they were going to stay there for - him and Kirstie could possibly sign a record label while they were there too,so Mitch packed a lot of clothes.Scott already felt like Mitch wasn't there anymore,so he missed him.He worried Mitch would find a better life in New York and just leave him for good -he wouldn't have blamed him anyway.He hadn't heard anything about Josh since that accident,but he was anxious about the brunette relapsing and going back to him.

They were saying their goodbyes -Kirstie was right outside in her car and everything was packed up.Scott wanted to hug him goodbye,but Mitch stopped him.He bit his lip and looked down,obviously nervous about something.  
"Ok so before I go I need to.. I need to do something.But I want you to promise me we won't make a big deal about this after.Ok?"  
"Uhm..ok,I guess.What exactly do you-" Scott didn't chance to finish talking.  
Mitch put his hands on the back of Scott's neck,pulled him in and kissed him,just like that.

And for Scott,it was the most perfect kiss ever.His hands were one his waist and he looked deep into his eyes for a second,and then Mitch kissed him again.He knew nothing could ever make him feel such an electric spark - their kiss went on passionately and Mitch's hands started to go through Scott's hair,raising goosebumps on his back.  
The second their lips drew apart and the warmth wasn't there anymore,Scott knew he would have followed that boy to the edge of the earth if he needed to.But for now,Mitch just whispered a soft "Bye" and left,shutting the door behind him.  
And as Scott was feeling his lips with the tip of his fingers,not being able to comprehend the fact that the brunette's were there too a second ago,he felt this indescribable urge to go after him,and make everything right.

________


	8. Chapter 7 - Michael/3:37 am

Hey  
It is 3:37 am.Tonight I said I'll drink until my blood turned into alcohol,and I would forget your name.I ended up forgetting mine first.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV  
Scott was going insane.

All he ever thought about was their kiss -their first real,sober,unexpected kiss.There were no words or viable reasons and knowing Mitch,it was just something he did because he wanted to;maybe he thought he would miss him more than he actually did,or maybe he liked to play with him.  
There was faint chance that Mitch thought about him too.

Or maybe he didn't think of him at all - maybe his name had no significance to him,and he slept blissfully,without a thought of Scott in his mind.But he was sure that for him,Mitch's name was everything circling his mind all the time,and the idea that maybe the brunette thought about him too was his oxygen.He knew he needed to do something about it because,the truth was ..  
He wanted Mitch.

Mitch's POV  
He was miserable.  
Sure,the concert was exciting and the city was amazing and he had great company,but his mind insisted on concentrating on the pair of blue eyes he left home - insisted on fixating on Scott burning under his lips and responding to his kiss immediately,like that's what he had been waiting for.  
So he texted him - he did his best to write him pure,raw words like Scott did for him and as he typed the last words,his eyes teared up.Here he was,letting go of yet another amazing thing in his life,one he did not deserve.

"To:Scott  
I was uncertain about so many things but Christ,I was certain about us and I'm sorry I sank into sadness when I should have held on tighter I'm sorry I leaned on you when you were falling I hope you never think of me again Can you please pretend I was just a bad dream"

When Kirstie found him on his hotel room floor crying,reading his text over and over again,and kneeled besides him to gather him into her arms,all she wished for was being able to hug him so tight that all his shattered pieces would glue back together.She simply took his phone out of his hand and read.And the she sighed,leaning against the bed.  
"He will never stop thinking about you.As bad as you want to push him away,he wil come back for you.Until the day you make it clear to him you don't want him,he won't give up."  
Kirstie came closer to Mitch and whispered in a comforting tone:  
"He isn't Michael,honey.History won't repeat itself.Give him a chance."  
The phone buzzed.Mitch was laying on his bed,his face buried in his pillow.  
"You read it - I can't.I'm never gonna leave this room again."  
Kirstie giggled and picked up the phone.

"To:Mitch  
You're not a bad dream,you are my perfect reality.And I'm closer than you think."

Kirstie grinned at the brunette and stuck out her tongue at him "I told you so."  
Mitch couldn't help but smile into his pillow case - he knew it was helpless,but he allowed himself to swoon for a second,to let the thought of Scott fill his chest with excitement and his stomach with butterflies.  
There was a knock at the door - Kirstie walked to the entrance on her tiptoes and as she opened the door,Mitch could hear her muffle an excited scream and exclaiming "I swear you guys are out of a romance movie!I'll leave you two alone to talk."  
"It's me,Mitch" Scott spoke,smiling.The brunette was beyond excited to see him.He ran into his arms and brought their lips together in a soft kiss.  
"I was hoping you would get these random urges again." Scott chuckled and put one of his arms around his shoulders and pulled him in to kiss him on the head.They went to sit down by the window that had an amazing view over the twinkling city.

"What are you doing here?" Mitch began,but before he could finish his sentence,Scott cut him off and put a hand over his mouth."Please,just,listen to me.  
I know I won't ever be able to sing you to sleep or amaze you with my dull eyes or my undefined hips or my pale skin.But I can assure you that I wrote about every single little detail of you in my poems and I hoped that between the lines you would be able to see how infatuated and how deeply in love with you I am.But you didn't so,here I am."  
"You..love me?"  
"Yes,Mitch.."  
"See,that's why I won't let you cut yourself on my broken pieces.Scott,look at yourself -you are made up of galaxies and intricate words and your eyes are your own kind of oceans and your heart is good and not yet ruined and I barely live with myself now,how will I live with myself knowing I broke you too?"  
There was a long silence in the conversation,in which Mitch came closer and closer to Scott until he gathered his knees to his chest and leaned his forehead on Scott.He inhaled deeply and took in all of the blonde's intoxicating cologne smell,preparing himself for the unavoidable question.

"..broke me too,babe?"  
"Yes,you too.I killed someone -not in the actual meaning of the word,but that is how I'm gonna see it for as long as I live.I was in my senior year of high school - I hadn't come out to anyone and I was very scared because if anyone found out my life was pretty much over.I had this boyfriend,Michael - he was so sweet and innocent and I treated him like crap,Scott -I manipulated him and pretended I didn't know who he was unless we were in a dark room.I was just happy I had someone like me.I ignored him as he asked me to go public with him.And at the end of the year things blew up.His parents found out and I didn't defend him and I denied everything.He was thrown out of his house,he quit school and then.."  
Scott could feel his shirt soaked with tears as Mitch was gasping for air,holding on to it.  
"... and then he shot himself,Scott,and it was all my fault."  
Scott planted little kissed on his hair and tried to calm him down,their hands tangled together as he pulled him even closer and wiped his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.After a while,Mitch's breathing steadied and Scott whispered in a soothing tone.

"No one blames you for what happened -you made some bad decisions but you were scared,too.It wasn't your fault.And if you give it a chance,you'll see you're wrong about us.I don't deserve you in any way,but maybe you will let me show you deserve yourself - you deserve your forgiveness."

Mitch looked up at him.He didn't agree with Scott,not one bit,but he was just so tired and it was so easy for him to drown in the blonde's eyes,to lose himself in his arms.  
"Ok."

Scott let out a little squeal of excitement and Mitch laughed at how adorable he was.He grabbed him from behind his neck crashed their lips together - at first it was ruthless and passionate,as if it was the solution for a greater need,but they developed their own rhythm.Scott's hands went up beneath his shirt and drew little circles all over.Their kiss was now lingering,it was not rushed -they had all the time in the world.Mitch nibbled at Scott's neck and sucked at his pulse point,going up towards his lobe.He backed away and looked satisfied at the trace of hickeys he had left ,whispering "Mine" in the blonde's ear,which he found incredibly hot.

The phone buzzed again.Laying on top of Scott,with his head on the blonde's chest,Mitch groaned."Let it go to voicemail"  
But Scott reached and answered instead.The voice he answered to was unknown,and Mitch watched his face go to a pale,white colour in less than a second,his eyes wide in horror.  
"We have to go.It's ..it's Ki-Kirstie" he stuttered."She's at the hospital in a coma.They said it was urgent,I.."Scott looked blocked,like his mind had just shut down.But Mitch got up and grabbed Scott's hand and his keys.

And then they started running.

____________________

His mind shifted from dizzy and in love to serious and terrified in less than a second.As soon as he heard the words Kirstie and coma in the same sentence,Mitch forgot everything that was occupying his mind -scottscottscott- and rushed to the hospital.

He was scared out of his mind - Kirstie was his family,all the family he had left.He burst through the hospital doors carrying a confused and shocked Scott with him and went straight for the first nurse he saw -his hands were shaking as he started asking question in a terrified voice.  
"Is my friend,uhm,Kirstie,is she ok,can I see her?What happened,I was called and .."  
"Calm down sir.The on call doctor will be here in a second.Go sit down" she mumbled.

Mitch sat down next to Scott -he looked at him in the corner of his eye and managed to see him staring in the distance,his eyes completely blank,as if his mind had just shut down.He didn't have time to worry about the blonde,because suddenly all kind of thoughts rushed to him as he put a hand over his mouth  
"Oh my god I will kill her too I wasn't paying attention to her I was so caught up in myself and Scott what if she was sick and I didn't even notice oh god I will never forgive myself what if I've killed her"

He didn't have time to continue his internal breakdown when a white coat approached him.  
"Mitch Grassi,you're mrs.Maldonado emergency contact,right?  
"Yeah,that's me.What happened?"  
The doctor sat down besides them and gave Scott a funny look.He then concentrated his attention on Mitch."She was in a car accident not long ago -she is stable now,but she hasn't woken up yet.The first 24 hours are important.Mrs.Maldonado wasn't the one driving,it was a male who luckily enough got off with just a few scratches.Some witnesses say he looked drunk and he was driving with high speed."

Mitch was confused - the doctor leaned in and said in a lower tone "We haven't been able to find him yet-some people saw him leave the scene immediately"  
He left her there?Who would do that?  
"Can I see her,please?" Mitch begged him - he was relieved Kirstie was ok for now but he wanted nothing more than to find the person who left his friend there."Yeah,not for long.She's still under."  
The doctor led them to a separate room.Kirstie looked so peaceful - it was like she was sleeping.She had bruises all over and her skin was pale - her once happy self now seemed so fragile.All the tubes and wires made Mitch sick to his stomach and only fueled his rage.He stood motionless and just looked at her,trying to find relief and safety in the sight of her breathing -she was alive,she was there.She could have died.

Mitch's eyes welled up with tears and once again,he was crying.He covered his face with hands and tried his best to be silent but soon enough,he felt a pair of arms coming around his waist from behind as Scott kissed his shoulder in a comforting touch.He whispered " 's ok now,babe." in his ears and that made his heart a little lighter.  
Scott was there -he had Scott.And it felt safe - maybe things would be ok.  
______________________

Later that night Scott came back to Mitch's hotel room -which was now their hotel room - to bring him back some fresh clothes.He refused to leave her side in case she would wake up.As he tried to use the key Mitch gave him he noticed their door was unlocked.  
He pushed it lightly and it slowly opened.He was there.

His life had been so much better for the last 2 months because he had Mitch -and perfect before they found out about Kirstie,because he had Mitch,in the true meaning of the word.  
But in the back of his mind there was always this worry,this doubt.If there was anything standing in between him and being happy with Mitch,it was him.  
"What are you doing here,how did you get in ?"

" C'mon,love.Aren't you excited to see me?"  
God,that fucking stupid smirk of his.


	9. Chapter 8 - Hesitation/5:49 am

Hey  
It's 5:49 am.I never meant to depend on you - I promised myself I'd never do this again.But now we sleep in cold beds and I realize I wanted so bad to at least be the morning sun waking you up that I ended up being just a light bulb you can choose to switch on or off whenever you desire - you gave me nothing but a constant desire of you showing me I am something to you.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

Aaron.Of all the people in this world,he had to be there,a glimmer in his mesmerizing green eyes -Scott used to write poems about them,so he could recognize them anywhere,they used to be his only reason to wake up- and a determined look.He was a bit taller than Scott and was tatted up,wearing his usual skinny jeans -Scott noticed he was just as attractive as before,as if he just finished a photo shoot.He was a model,after all.

He analyzed Scott from head to toe and licked his lips,staring him right in the eye -Scott didn't know where he got the nerve.A sharp,clear pain went through his heart as the presence he once loved so much now only brought memories of terrifying nights of running away from the police and kissing in shady bars,doing everything Aaron asked him to.  
Aaron was the reason he ran away to L.A and moved in a random apartment.  
One year ago,after a tumultuous relationship Scott put all his energy and time,Aaron finally showed him the dangerous business he was involved in,transporting drugs from San Francisco to New York.Things got bad and one night they were almost caught.As Scott was laying on the floor of his car,being too scared to even breath because he heard gunshots piercing the air above him,he realized that although he loved Aaron very much,he had to get out of this business.

But Aaron beat him to it - 3 days after picking up the money for that transport he cleared out the apartment he and Scott shared and left,with absolutely no explanation.Scott just came home one day to find all his stuff was gone - there was no note,no new phone number,nothing.It took Scott months to pick himself up and decide to move to L.A to get over him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Scott felt both angry and worried -he knew the kind of person Aaron was.  
"I got out of prison a month ago - it took me forever to find you.I went back to San Francisco,and someone told me you moved to L.A,but you weren't there either,so I kinda just came here.One day,I saw you in the street - it was like a miracle."

Things cleared up for Scott - that's where Aaron disappeared to,he was in prison.And for some reason,he looked for him"No,I mean,what are you doing here?" Scott spoke with a cold tone.Aaron came closer to him and brushed his fingers across Scott's cheek.  
"I'm here for you.I've changed Scott,I want you to give me another chance." he whispered.

Scott backed away,his eyes wide with surprise."You-you want me back?You left me! And besides I have a - " the blonde stopped in mid sentence,because he realized he didn't actually have Mitch.He wasn't his boyfriend,they weren't even dating.  
"What,that little dude I saw you walking around with?I'm sorry love but he doesn't seem half as interested as you.I bet he never even told you 'I love you' once and you probably make a big deal out of every time he smiles your way."

Even though Scott wanted to slap Aaron,his words hit him hard.He felt as if he was out of air and his chest tightened.He looked up at his ex and found a mix of pity and hope in his eyes.He tried to contradict him,but he couldn't,because he was right.  
"Please,just,give me half an hour to explain myself " Aaron handed out a piece of paper to him and practically begged him with his eyes.  
Scot contemplated it.After looking into blank for a second,he turned around -he knew this was going to be a mistake - and said."I have to get back to Mitch now." He took the piece of paper and left the room -there was a chaos inside his mind.

________________________________________  
He entered the hospital room and found Mitch just as he left him - with a lifeless look,sitting beside Kirstie's bed ,biting his lip.Scott handed him a coffee and sat next him,rubbing his back.It was heartbreaking,seeing him like this.Kirstie woke up yesterday but she still had difficulties talking and she slept a lot.Mitch spent his days making sure she was ok and watching her day and night,too terrified to leave.

So instead he ignored Scott and barely talked.Scott understood and tried not to take it too personally.This time though he really needed to talk to him - the whole Aaron thing shook him up and he didn't know what to do.  
"So,um,listen,I have to talk to you about something."  
There was no answer from Mitch,but Scott took it as a reason to continue.  
"It's about an ex of mine,I met him earlier and .."  
Mitch turned around and glared at him,clearly annoyed,looking extremely tired.  
"Scott I am in no way in the mood to hear a little story about one your ex boyfriend - I haven't slept in days and I really don't have the energy for this." he snapped.  
Scott remained quiet and just got up.He mumbled an "I'll see you later" and ran for the exist - fuck it,he was going to call Aaron and hear him out.  
____________________________________________

Two hours later,he was still with Aaron on a bench in front of his hotel -they both had coffee cups that warmed their hands and Scott threw his head back releasing a laugh that disturbed the peace of the night.Aaron told him about his adventures in prison,insisting on the idea that he had changed and that he was a new man.He reminded Scott why he fell in love with him a long time ago,and a wave of nostalgia took over him.

" .. but I am serious when I say,Scott,I am here for you.I'll never forgive myself for leaving like that,but I think I deserve a second chance and "  
Scott cut him off "I can't,Aaron,I'm sorry.I belong to someone else."  
"But does he belong to you?Does he look at you like the sun rises and dies in your eyes?Does he see the same beauty in your pale skin as I do? I would be ready to give you my heart on a silver platter right now,would he?"  
Scott looked down and a tear found its way on his cheek and fell - Aaron caught it with his finger and he cupped the blonde's cheek. "Think about it.Think about what is right for you."

And with that,the tall man walked away and disappeared in the cold New York night.Scott sighed -what if Aaron was right?What if he was actually consuming himself on a lost cause,on someone who'd never comitt to him?What if he was just a match Mitch lit up for fun,to burn for a second and then throw away?  
Determined,he took out his phone and dialed Mitch's number.He had this question on the cusp of his lips for a while,and he knew it was hopeless,but he had to ask.His fingers fidgeted nervously as he waited for the brunette to pick up.

"Hello?"  
"I know it's really random and everything but I need to ask you something."  
".."  
"Mitch,do you love me?"  
"Wha-what?"  
"I said,do you love me?"  
There was no response,just a deep sigh.And in that hesitation,Scott found his answer.The past months felt like decades to him just because he found a person that put stars on his sky and made Scott carve his name on every wall of his soul -maybe his biggest mistake was losing himself in the process of valueing someone that much and letting it drain him of himself.

Scott covered his face with his hands and released a small sob.He just loved Mitch so much,it was hopeless - his voice was in his veins and wherever he went,a part of Mitch was always with him.But he wasn't sure he was ready to be killed slowly by an unshared love -it was poison.But it was addicting.  
He went back up and changed,taking his keys with him - he ripped a piece of paper from a newspaper and wrote something on it in a second,without even breathing, hiding it under a magazine.He then dialed Aaron's number and left without looking back.

Mitch's POV

He was exhausted.As he was walking up the stairs to his hotel room,all he could think about was a hot bath and a goodnight sleep - the last few days had been terrifying,the brief moment he thought he was going to lose Kirstie because of his ignorance made him too scared to leave her side.But she was stable now and the doctor basically forced him to go home and rest.

He felt guilty for snapping at Scott earlier and ignoring him lately,especially since he had been so understanding.Mitch had a funny feeling in his stomach that something was off ,the phone call from earlier freaking him out.He couldn't wait to get home so he could talk to Scott.  
His heart dropped when he found the room empty.He called for Scott,but there was nothing but silence.He sat on the edge of his bed and rested his head in his hands - now he was terrified he was losing Scott,too.He wasn't sure what he was feeling,he just knew he needed him.He remembered he mentioned something about an ex boyfriend and blamed himself for not paying attention.

As he was looking around to see if Scott's phone was there,he noticed a piece of paper sticking out from underneath a magazine.  
He took it and leaned on his back,reading it.  
"I know I will never be to you,what you are to me.  
I will never be your sun.I will never be your midnight.  
I will never be the silence between your heartbeats,I will never be the air your breathe.  
I will never be as beautiful as you are to me,and I will never,ever,be the reason you live.  
But you will always be all that,and more,  
to me."

He curled himself into a ball and started sobbing.He hated himself for crying so much,but how couldn't he,when the best thing that ever happened to him slipped away so easily?Scott though he was nothing to Mitch,but that was a lie,Mitch was always thinking about him,he always wanted him,his heart was Scott's - he just couldn't mutter it into words,and make it into facts,he just had this weight on his chest that kept him from saying the actual words.  
Scott built fortresses inside his ribcage and kingdoms in his heart,he ripped open windows to other galaxies on his skin ,and so Mitch loved him because there was no possible way that he couldn’t.  
But Scott was blind to all of that simply because Mitch couldn't say it.Because kissing his confessions into him didn't work,because words were needed.Words he didn't have.  
And it was his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credit *https://24.media.tumblr.com/f02f8159b96e785b220b46ba63e68273/tumblr_n4ycuf0szd1shn04do1_500.jpg


	10. Chapter 9 - Not worthy/2:50 am

Hey  
It's 2:50 am.Today we kissed,and honestly,I wish I could make your lungs cave everytime we kiss.I wish I could steal your breath and hold your life behind my lips,just so that you would remember me as i remember you,as a storm and not as a simple rain.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Mitch's POV

Mitch was there,lying on his bed for what seemed like ages,staring into the ceiling.He eventually stopped crying and now was simply looking up with a blank expression.Inside him though,everything seemed to unravel.His head hurt and his eyes were red and puffy from the crying - he missed Scott and wondered where he was.

He hoped he was with someone better for him.Maybe he was on his way to the airport,maybe he made the right decision.Mitch closed his eyes shut and shook his head at that thought,trying to make it go away.It would be the right thing,but it would leave him empty of what little meaning he had.He put a hand over his chest and tried to listen -his heart was beating,he had a pulse.He was there,alive - but without Scott,he wasn't really there at all.

Sometime after midnight Scott barged into the apartment,trying to be as quiet as a semi-drunk person could be.Mitch closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep -he had his back against him,but he could hear Scott lock the door and take off his shoes,stumbling on his way to the bed.He swore and then giggled at himself.

The blonde sprawled across the bed and closed his eyes.The silence in the room was almost fluid,it travelled from one heart to another,it carried unspoken words from lips to lips,it covered everything in sight for Mitch in desperation,in night - he wanted to cry.Not because he was sad,not even because things were generally terrible.But because he wanted Scott so bad,he wanted to be the person for him,to be worthy of him.Because he felt the weight of the blonde sinking in the mattress right next to him and yet it was as if he had oceans to pass in order to get to him.

Mitch knew what was going to happen.Scott was the most honest when drunk.He was going to say wonderful words that weren't supposed to be heard by terrible people like himself.The brunette turned around and looked at him.

"When you used to go out with Josh,I just spent hours in the apartment walking around from one room to the other.I didn't know how to stop the heaviness in my heart.It was like my lungs were collapsing and it became so hard to breathe at some point - you were my drug of choice and I guess tequila was yours.But you could go to sleep and wake up sober,with a headache.I,on the other hand,didn't sleep, but still woke up to the thought of you consuming me .." Scott said simply.

Mitch let out a sound similar to someone gasping for air - he climbed on top of Scott and interlocked his fingers with his,looking him deep in the eyes.He whispered "Listen to me." and then kissed him softly,barely touching his lips.Scott looked confused -what was he supposed to hear?

Mitch kissed him again,this time more passionately,pushing his body slightly into the mattress.Their lips fitted perfectly and kept teasing each other her,the warmth from the body under him raising goosebumps all over his skin.It was a burning need to explain something,it was the kind of kiss that leaves you dizzy.For a moment the constant feeling of guilt wasn't there -waters calmed,flowers were blooming,the rain stopped.  
But then the moment was over and Mitch realized he was kidding himself -he wasn't going to convince Scott just by kissing him.He moved back to his side and sighed in frustration.

Scott giggled,and Mitch remembered he was,in fact,still pretty drunk."What's so funny?"he asked."You're so silly.You said I should listen,but then you just kissed me,and you don't even love me - yet here I am.I guess I'm a little silly too."  
Mitch wanted to scream - instead he simply nuzzled into Scott's side and fell asleep with his right hand still holding on to the blonde's.  
______________________________________________

A few days had passed and now Kirstie was getting better.She was due to get out pretty soon and Mitch still spent almost every minute at the hospital,making sure she had everything.Meanwhile Scott told him about Aaron and explained he was just keeping him company while Mitch was with Kirstie - the brunette was pretty skeptical about it,but he kept it to himself.

Until one day he finally met Aaron.The moment he saw him,his jaw dropped,for two reasons.One was the fact that he lived up to his reputation as a model -he was gorgeous (and Scott's ex!)-that's where jealousy came in, and the other was the fact that he recognized him.He used to sell drugs at the fancy clubs him and Josh went to.Aaron understood he was recognized,but instead he frowned and pointed to Scott behind his back,making a sign that meant keeping quiet about it.But it only made Mitch more worried.  
Often while getting lunch together or going to visit Kirstie Aaron would make malicious remarks about Scot and Mitch being 'a thing',or him not having any chances at Scott,or Mitch being clearly devoted to Scott.That one hurt the most - they always laughed about it,but Mitch could see the hurt in Scott's eyes.  
It was so obvious for him the kind of game Aaron was playing.But he always 'joked' or made sarcastic remarks that made Mitch look like the jerk and so Scott didn't suspect anything.

One night Mitch called Scott to find out Aaron was taking him out for dinner as a thank you for letting them be friends again.Mitch's stomach tightened as he was filling up with worry - he chose to remain quite about it and not make a big deal."I wanted to go see Kirstie anyway." He picked up Starbucks for both of them and as he entered her room,he found her biting on her nails nervously,a scared look on her face.

"Oh,Mitch,thank god you're here.You won't believe it -he was here,earlier today,he was here."  
"Who was here honey?"  
"Him.The person who left me to die that night,on the street.I could recognize him anywhere."Just as he was trying to process that thought he heard his phone buzzing with a message.  
"From: Aaron  
I'm taking him out for dinner ;) He's going to be mine.You're going down,hah.Have a fun night."  
It was too much for Mitch at once.He sat down and read the text over and over again,as Kirstie was desperately trying to get him to say something.Instead,he simply handed out his phone."Oh my god" she said in shock - she wasn't looking at the message though.She was looking at the contact's photo."Who is that?" she pointed,her voice trembling.  
"That's Aaron,Scott's ex I've been telling you about.Why?"  
"It's him.I'm sure,it's him.He's the one who pretended to be a cab driver then left me there."

It was him.He knew something was off about him from the start.All the acting,the little lies,the satisfied looks when Mitch would come out as the bad guy,they all made sense.He wanted to kill Aaron,or at least to beat him until he would feel the same kind of pain he felt when he thought his friend was hurt because of his ignorance.  
It suddenly hit him - Scott,his Scott,was with that man.He had to tell him before it was too late.A image of the text flashed before his eyes "He's going to be mine."  
"Over my dead body" Mitch thought.


	11. Chapter 10 - Twisted game/6 am

Hei,  
It is 6 am and I'm so tired that the only thing I can think of is how easily I can drown in your eyes.The only thing that make sense after not sleeping for so long is the fact that you are my everything and I am nothing ,you are a city and I am that flower growing out of the concrete that you stepped on because no one like you would ever look down to someone like me.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Mitch's POV

"We're sorry,this person is not available at the moment,please leave a message after the tone"  
"Scott,please answer.We need to talk"  
"Goddamit Scott,where is your phone?"  
"Scott I am serious please answer me we HAVE to talk."  
" .. Scott?"

Mitch literally wanted to punch a wall.He paced around the apartment nervously and checked his phone every other minute - his mind was all over the place.He knew Aaron wouldn't hurt Scott,after all he made it clear he wanted him for himself.But he was afraid because he knew the kind of business Aaron was involved in.

And because Aaron didn't deserve Scott,not in any way.Because someone who would have Scott just to let him go after was either blind or an idiot.Because everything was falling apart to a silence that nothing could fill except for Scott's voice.Because the memory of a world standing still around the two of them was painfully fresh in his mind.Because he had been so blind to Scott loving him for such a long time,that now the idea of it fading away left him breathless and terrified.Scott gave him poems-and he knew that was him literally giving Mitch pieces of himself.Scott gave him purpose.

So how could someone who ran away from all of that could ever be right for Scott?  
As he was driving himself insane with those thought his phone buzzed. He hoped Scott finally noticed the million texts and calls he left him.But as he read his text,his mouth dropped.Nonono.Fuck.

"To:Mitch  
If you tell him my secret I'll tell him all of yours.And I'm pretty sure he'll never want to look at you again."  
_____________________________

Hours later,when Aaron dropped Scott off,Mitch was still freaking out.He tried to sleep but the demons of his past kept creeping up on him and making him turn and toss around.How deep did Aaron dug into his past?He tried to watch tv,or read,he even thought about calling Kirstie- all he could think about was how terrifying the thought of Scott falling out of love with him was.

Mitch was standing on the little balcony of his hotel room,smoking cigarette after cigarette,because that was the only thing that seemed to help him calm down,when Scott walked in.He didn't even hear the blonde coming from behind and snatching his cigarette from his hand.

"Hey!That was mine"  
"They are bad for you and your voice.And they aren't meant to ruin lungs as pretty as yours."Mitch couldn't help but smile.A single word of Scott's sent shiver down his spines.He knew it wasn't normal,or healthy for his mental health,but he also knew he didn't think of Scott just as a friend anyway.

"How was your..date?" Mich asked,hesitating,biting his lower lip.  
"It wasn't a date.But it was nice.Aaron is really trying to make an effort."

"I'll say he is."Mitch caught himself being jealous.Again.Just like the time when he thought Scot wrote poems for someone else or like every time someone would check the blonde out while they were getting Starbucks or walking.

They were both on their side of the bed,trying to sleep,when Mitch felt the need to say something.He couldn't tell Scott about what Aaron did and why he was bad for him,and it killed him inside.He was sure that if the blonde knew about it he would never talk to Aaron again,but he didn't afford to lose what sanity he had left by losing Scott too.  
He knew the blonde still thought he was nothing to Mitch,and that was false.

"I have been thinking,you should know I..ugh ..I could compile all the sappy words in every goddamn language and it still wouldn't accurately explain the way you make my core twist into knots or describe my need for you that is constantly overwhelming me.Just the idea of you scares me but I can't stay away.I'm sorry.And I miss you."  
After a long silence,Mitch could hear Scott's murmured voice - he wasn't sure if he was crying or just having a tough time finding his words.

"But I'm right next to you .."  
For Mitch that sentence meant much more than the physical space between.He turned around and kissed him lightly -it was a simple kiss,it was just to verify that he was still there,it was like morning coffee in their apartment or like the first time they watched the sunset together.

Mitch came closer to Scott -He felt him wrap his arms around his waist and pulling him close to his chest.Mitch didn't move and didn't say anything.He just smiled to himself and closed his eyes,allowing to sink in the blonde's warmth.  
He felt Scott's lips brush against the skin of his shoulder as he whispered "Goodnight" into his hair.Just before he drifted off to sleep,he heard Scott again,but he wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not. "I always miss you,even when you're here."  
________________________

Scott's POV  
Scott woke up late the next day - as he stretched and checked the time,he realized how cold his bed was and became painfully aware that he was alone..again.Last night was a blur - not because of alcohol this time,but because he didn't know what to believe of it.Words were said -words that probably happened just because Mitch tended to be very possessive,but words that nonetheless made his stomach flip and his heart beat faster than ever before,because it was the closest thing Mitch had ever said about Scott meaning something or not.

Taped to the fridge he found a note from Mitch.He was so used to expressing his thoughts and feelings for his best friend by writing that the sight of Mitch's curvy handwriting took him by surprise.  
"Dear Scott,  
I've never felt as whole as when  
I was wrapped in your arms  
It's as if all the pieces of me that I had lost  
Were put back into place  
But I can't let myself fall in love with you  
And it's so hard to look at your face  
Because I know I will break you  
And I don't have that kind of power  
In my own embrace.  
p.s But I will make sure nothing happens to you even if it's the last thing that I do.And if after all this you won't want to see me again just remember I did it all for you.Take care of Kirstie,please."  
Silence fell over the hotel room.

____________________________________  
Mitch was the one that started it.He was the one that slapped Aaron before he even got to say a word.The brunette just mumbled something like "This is for Kirstie" and smacked Aaron,leaving a red mark on his cheek.  
"How fucking dare you,blackmailing me after what you did to her?What kind of twisted game are you playing?"Mitch was prepared to come at Aaron again,but he stopped him,replying with a smirk on his face.

"Oh,you came here thinking I would change my mind about Scott?He was mine,so I can do whatever the fuck I want.Or do you want me to tell him about all that time you spent in the hospital,about you going mental?Or all the 'activities' you did after you got out?hm?"  
At that point Mitch's mind was so fogged with anger he saw black before his eyes.He started throwing punches and before he knew it it,he was on the ground.


	12. Chapter 11 - Numb it out/4:16 am

Hey,  
It's 4:16 am.I want to write a poem for you,one that actually makes sense.I want it to make you understand my heartbeat,just as I understand yours - because I hum along with it everytime I hear it.I want to be yours,and I want you to be mine,heartbeat and all.I w ant to write a poem that can tell you all of this and more ..and everything.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.'

Mitch's POV

A week had passed and now Kirstie was out of the hospital and staying in her cousin's apartment -she wasn't in town so now her,Mitch and Scott were living there until Kirstie was well enough to travel back home.Mitch made sure she took all her medication and they even started rehearsing again.Scott started writing little bits and poems for the publishing company interested in him.He still hung out with Aaron and everyday his ex became more and more persistent,while still keeping a friend status -that didn't stop him from flirting non stop.It looked like everything went back to being somehow normal.

But for Mitch,it didn't.Things got worse.

It happened one morning when he woke up with Scott's arms wrapped around his waist,hugging him tight in his sleep.For a moment,he froze in surprise,but then he remembered this was quite an usual thing for them,one they never discussed.Scott couldn't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning,so he would lie next to Mitch and they would end up waking up ..well,cuddling.

This time it was different - usually Scott woke up before him.Now he slowly opened up his eyes,seeing the morning light filtered through the white curtains.He didn't dare to move an inch,he didn't want to wake the blonde.He was facing him and had his nose nuzzled into his chest - it looked like Scott tried to protect him from something.He could hear his steady heartbeat echo in every bone of his body,he could feel his familiar warmth traveling through every vein of his,making its way to his heart.Regardless how close they were,both physically and emotionally,he always wanted more,he wanted to be closer.

As he was watching Scott's eyelids flutter and his chest rise with his breath,Mitch was thinking about how much he loves the way he was so beautiful even in his sleep,and how much he loves him,and how his blonde eyelashes were so long ,and how ..

How much he loved..him.He held his breath and let out a little gasp,as the realization hit him like a bullet and made his stomach tie in knots.Yeah,he loved him.He grinned to himself,taking in Scott's familiar scent.

He had loved him since the first time he woke up with Scott's hand around his little waist,on the floor of their apartment.He noticed something was strange,but he didn't look too much into it.He didn't even realize it was love,he just felt drawn to him in an inexplicable way.He loved the way Scott spoke,like he was always reading from a book,he loved the way Scott looked at him,or the way he took Mitch's hands into his when it was cold outside.He adored every single word Scott wrote for him because they were all flowers Scott bloomed inside himself and ripped apart just for Mitch,and he loved the little wrinkles Scott's eyes made when he was smiling.He had always been there,despite all the horrible things Mitch did and was.

He didn't know how to deal with the sudden rush of feelings he had towards him.But it was bad,oh,it was bad.Mitch was no longer smiling.He knew what happened to the people he loved.And he didn't want to ruin Scott,but he also had the feeling it wasn't the kind of love he could just get over.

And with each day that passed he sank deeper and deeper in desperation - he died inside everytime he saw Scot go out with Aaron,and he was more and more afraid everyday that Scott forgot about him.He knew he had no right, he would've hated seeing him with anyone else anyway,but especially not with Aaron.

The thought of his last 'talk' with Aaron made his stomach twist.The asshole left him there too.Fortunately there wasn't much damage done and Mitch had to bite his tongue until he could taste blood in order to keep quiet about it

So he started drinking himself numb every night.He hoped that if he got drunk enough his mouth and his throat and the rest of his damaged body would feel the heat and the burn going through his blood just like when he thought of Scott or held him or woke up next to him.It may seem stupid for someone to be in love for that long and only realize it months later,but Mitch never let himself thought about what he was doing - he really hated complicating things.

Now everytime he looked into Scott's eyes he found himself falling deeper and faster for him,which was not fair,because he wasn't suppose to fall in love with him in the first place.  
Everyday the pain got worse and worse,to the point where Mitch barely dragged himself around all day,doing his best to avoid Scott,anticipating night,when he knew he would just drown himself in alcohol -it now became his painkiller.

Scott's POV

Night fell over the cold city as Aaron was walking him to his apartment.It was the 4th night he offered to walk him home.He claimed it was because he didn't want Scott wondering around after dark,but the blonde suspected it was more than that.As Aaron was talking he kept smiling and nodding,while he was actually worrying in his mind about Mitch.  
He would've given anything to find out why Mitch was doing this to himself.It was worse than ever before.They didn't even talk anymore,all he had left was waking up next to him.The bags under his eyes grew bigger and bigger,and his heart was heavier and heavier.He wanted to help Mitch,but he didn't know how.  
Before realizing,they were in his lobby and Aaron was rambling about how amazing Scott's poetry was.Although he was nice and kept him company,in that moment Scott wanted Aaron gone.

"I better go now - I'll text you tomorrow,yeah?" Aaron grabbed his bag and looked around.  
"Bye" he said briefly,and then kissed Scott,leaving him startled.He was gone before he could even protest or say anything.Scott's eyes went wide as he ran his fingers over his lips.He was distracted by the sound of Kirstie's door open and her appearing in her pajamas,her eyes red and puffy -she must've cried recently.  
Without a word,she collapsed into Scott's arms as he hugged her tightly.

"He's getting bad again,Scott,and this time I'm not sure I can bring him back." she whispered,her voice cracking.Scott heard a glass break behind him and someone mutter "Fucking liar",followed by the front door being shut with a loud bang.  
"Mitch" Kirstie tried to yell after him but her voice was more like a whisper.

He must've seen Aaron kiss me,Scott thought to himself.He knew trying to call Mitch or going after him wouldn't help.He needed his space.He hugged Kirstie one more time and sent her to sleep,after kissing her on the forehead and reassuring her he was going to take care of Mitch.  
He then sat down on the couch - all he had left to do was wait for Mitch to come back.  
________________________

It was well past midnight when Mitch stumbled into the apartment,a bottle of cheap wine in his hand.He looked terrible -his face was red from crying and his cheeks were stained and he was shaking.Scott knew because he was still standing on the couch,in the dark.He was just contemplating going after Mitch when the brunette walked in - seeing him in this condition made Scott's heart ache.

As soon as Mitch noticed Scott,he stumbled towards him and sat on the sofa next to the blonde.He leaned on him,barely keeping his balance,and started whispering again and again against Scott's chest,grabbing handfuls of his shirt"Why did you kiss him,why did you kiss him,why,Scott" There was something so desperate,so painful in Mitch's tone that it made Scott want to cry.

"I didn't,he kissed me.I didn't get a chance to step back or anything.I never wanted him to."As he talked he wrapped one of his arms around Mitch to make sure he wouldn't fall down head-first.Why was he drinking so much?What was he trying to forget?  
Mitch looked up with a mixture a fear and relief in his eyes.Scott spent hours and hours thinking about them,counting their shades,surprising himself with how easily just the thought of them could make him forget everything else.

"Do you still love me Scott?Please say yes,because if you don't I don't know what I'll do,I know I'm not worth it but I" Mitch blurted out,looking down.  
"Yes,I do,of course I do."  
"You do?"  
"Yes." Scott could see his face lit up.He could tell by his expression that he needed Scott to tell him again and again,and he would do so until Mitch believed he was worthy of someone loving him.  
"I was so afraid you stopped loving me,Scott,so I went out and looked for whatever liquor store I could find.I can't function if you don't love me Scott,I can't,it's already so hard."  
"Well,I do.I love you" Scott repeated.Mitch pulled him closer and covered his lips with his own.He hummed in appreciation as his tongue grazed slowly over Scott's bottom lip,making him groan.Kissing Mitch felt new and different everytime -he was like a drug he couldn't get enough of.

"Why are you doing this to yourself" Scott whispered against Mitch;s lips.  
"I need to kill something inside me.Or at least make it numb.But it's really,really hard Scott.He won't let me."Scott felt a hot tears beginning to pour from Mitch's closed eyes.  
"Who..won't let you?" the blonde whispered back in a worried tone.Mitch ignored him and wiped his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.  
"Fuck,no,I'm not going to cry again.Fuck.Just kiss me,please.I need to forget."Scott didn't ask anymore questions.Mitch was worth every heart ache , every night lost thinking about him and every unanswered question.So,he just kissed him.He pressed his hand against his back to bring Mitch on top of him.It felt like poetry erupted from their kiss and it filled his head and made his blood rush.Their kisses were soft and teasing,coming together and drifting apart.

As their kiss grew deeper and more passionate Mitch tugged at Scott's shirt,but the blonde stopped him by taking his hands and interlocking them with his as Mitch pinned him against the sofa.He wasn't going to make a mistake they would both regret just because Mitch was extremely drunk and hurting.

Mitch's POV

Mitch woke up the next day with a massive headache.Unfortunately he remembered most of what he did last night,including seeing Aaron kiss Scott and then coming back completely trashed and practically begging him to kiss him.All he was doing was proving again and again how wrong he was for Scott .He wasn't sure how Scot was going to react,though.

For a moment he thought he was lucky enough to be alone in the apartment -but then he heard Kirstie singing in the shower and the sound of the tv turned on.He got out and tiptoed to the kitchen,praying he wasn't going to wake Scott and have an awkward conversation.His head was ringing and he just wanted coffee.  
"Good morning princess." Too late.Scott was standing in the kitchen,smiling at him,amused at obvious pain Mitch was in.He didn't seem mad or hurt.Strange enough,he looked serene.Even happy.

"We're all going to Starbucks and then I'm walking you two to rehearsal.Go get dressed."Mitch usually hated being bossed around but when Scott did it he didn't mind.Relieved that Scott seemed ok for now,he went to his room and got dressed,trying to look somehow presentable.He usually took forever getting ready,but this time he was at the front door in the same time as Kirstie.He knew him and Scott had to talk,but for now his head was hurting too bad to even start thinking in depth about it."You go ahead,I forgot my phone." Kirstie said.

As the two of them were going down the stairs of their apartment they ran into Aaron.Mitch froze.For some reason,him and Scott were holding hands in that moment.He didn't think too much about it,it just felt right -but when he saw Aaron he let go of Scott's hand,terrified.But it was too late.  
"Going on a date are we?" Aaron had a mean look on his face and was staring Mitch in the eye."I thought we had a deal,Grassi.Get away from him."His tone got angrier and angrier and he pushed Mitch,taking him by surprise.  
"What deal?What are you talking about?"Scott had a confused look on his face.  
Without breaking eye contact,Mitch said to Scott "Scott,please go."  
"No,Scott,stay.I have a little story about Mitch I think you would like."A look of horror went over Kirstie's face as she came down the stairs from the apartment. Aaron turned around and she screamed."It's you! Wha..what are you doing here?"She began shaking and she dropped the keys she was holding in her hands."M-mitch?"  
"I swear Grassi,if she spills one word I will tell him everything.I'm serious."Aaron grabbed Mitch's collar.

"What is happening?What the hell?" Now Scott was yelling too as Kirstie began crying,too afraid to even move.She looked like she was in shock.  
"Oh,nothing.I just thought you would like to know about Mitch's time in this little special hospital?Or the way he earned his money after,with his..what do you call it,night job?" As soon as those words left Aaron's lips,Kirstie's eyes went big and she grabbed Scott's arm."C'mon,Scott.Let's go,c'mon."

Mitch looked at Aaron.He was dead serious.  
"Please,Scott,go.Please" he begged.Kirstie barely managed to drag Scott out.  
"This is not the end.I will always come back for him."Aaron whispered, letting go of Mitch and then walking away.

We need to leave New York as soon as possible,Mitch thought..If he was going to lose Scott to anyone,he sure as hell wasn't going to lose him to Aaron.


	13. Chapter 12 - Finally/12:03 a.m

Hei  
It is 12:03 and it's pouring outside.I have always loved thunderstorms,mostly because they remind me of you,or maybe because I'm barely an April shower.I hope someday soon you will kiss me like the rain kisses the earth.  
But you are asleep.Sweet dreams.

Mitch's POV

Mitch waited for a second before he went outside.He could see Scott yelling at Kirstie through the glass door as he felt a sharp pain shoot through his heart.He was supposed to be the one being yelled at,he was supposed to take the blame and the hurt for all of this because he deserved it.It was just his past backfiring at him.He knew his old demons would never let him have someone as good as Scott,he wasn't supposed to own such a beautiful soul for himself.

But he allowed himself,for a second,to imagine it.He allowed himself to wake up wrapped up in Scott's presence and he allowed himself the little touches and the long,deep talks ,thinking he would get away with it.Obviously,he didn't.

He knew he had to get Scott away from Aaron as soon as possible,although the blonde had every right to be extremely confused.He also knew he had to talk to Kirstie.His head hurt - it was all too much for him.He took a deep breath and then sighed.He was sinking in faster and faster,and he couldn't quite put all the pieces together,it was all a chaos:Josh,New York,Kirstie's accident,being threatened by a drug dealer -it reminded him of highschool and the way he used to deal with these kind of situations -by destroying himself.Not that he didn't do that anymore.

Mitch rested his hand over his heart and a familiar warmth calmed him.At least he had this to go back to -his love for Scott.It was always there,and it always brought him back to sanity.It was the only thing he was sure of.It was like going home.

He went through the front doors to find Kirstie standing on the stairs, crying as silently as she could,and Scott having his back to him.  
"Hey" Mitch spoke softly,looking like he was too afraid to even speak up around Scott.He turned around and his beautiful features were darkened by a frown."What on earth was that?What was he talking about,what deal?Why was Kirstie crying,why is she still.." here he cut himself off and started talking in a lower tone so Kirstie couldn't hear him."What is going on?"  
"I'm sorry,you just have to trust me.We have to leave right away.I can't tell you why,we just have to."  
"Why?" Scott continued asking,more and more worried about Kirstie silently sobbing on the stairs,just a few meters away."Why can't you tell me?You almost got into a fight,it looked pretty serious,if I done something to.."  
"Stop!I just can't tell you!"Mitch snapped at him,raising his voice."I don't know if I can even trust you.Would you listen for once and just do as I say."Scott's eyes went wide.He looked angry, confused,and frustrated.But most of all,he looked hurt."Fine,whatever.I will go up and pack."

Mitch regretted his words as soon as they slipped from his mouth.He didn't mean any of that,he was just eager to leave and terrified Aaron would come back to reveal all his secrets to Scott and make the blonde leave him..or whatever they had.Because he was sure Scott would've left as soon as he found out what kind of person Mitch used to be.He could tell him the names of songs that reminded him of Scott,and books,he could give him quotes,write him poems-he could give him his heart on a platter,but he couldn't change his past.

He walked to Kirstie and sat besides her,putting an arm over her shoulders."I'm really sorry.He threatened me he would tell Scott everything.I swear he will never be around you again."  
"It's ok,I understand.I was just taken by surprise,and I got scared.I knew instantly what he was after when he mentioned the hospital.I wonder how he got all this information.He is dangerous -please be careful.Don't let him have Scott."Kirstie's words struck a chord in Mitch's heart."We have to go back,honey..back to LA.You think you can manage it?"She smiled vaguely"Yes,of course.I want to get away from him as well."she continued,nudging Mitch and winking at him"By the way..You should have him-Scott,I mean.You should have each other."

Maybe that was the answer,Mitch thought.Maybe in order to keep Scott from going back to Aaron he needed to be with him in the true sense of the word,just like he wanted to.Even though it meant lying and walking on eggshells around him.  
He grinned to himself.For a compromise,it sure made him feel incredibly happy.Yes,he was going to be with Scott.But first,he had to fix what he had broken.  
_________________________________________  
Scott's POV  
As he was climbing the stairs up again and starting packing up everything they brought to their temporary home,Scott couldn't help but throw things around and shut doors closed and wipe a few tears from time to time.All you hear was Scott footsteps as he stomped around the apartment and the occasional sniffling.

He wanted to hate Mitch in that second.He wanted to hate him for being such an arrogant prick,too selfish to tell him anything,bossing him around,leaving him with all these questions,making Kirstie cry,keeping secrets ..he wanted to hate everything with a burning passion.He wanted to pack up everything and move..again.

What he hated the most thought was the fact that it was physically impossible for him to hate Mitch,not even a little,not in the slightest bit.So here he was,following him like a puppy,again,packing his sweaters,going over what happened earlier in his head and trying to understand at least a little bit of it.What stuck with him was the look of horror on Kirstie's face and the way both of them acted around Aaron,as if they already knew him.

Shortly after,everything fell silent.Dinner was silent,packing was silent,even the flight back home was silent.It all came to the point when Kirstie eventually went home a night after arriving in LA and them being left alone with each other.  
And their words.And their thoughts.And their love for each other.  
But especially,their silence.

Maybe for others love was a quiet flame,maybe it wasn't supposed to feel like galaxies expanding in his veins,but it physically hurt Scott.He could feel himself collapsing under it all.He hadn't slept in almost 2 days.He craved Mitch like his lungs craved air.And he wasn't getting much of that,either.  
At some point,it happened -Mitch was the one that gave in first.

"Scott" he whispered,in a tone that sounded like he actually said "Please".  
The blonde loved the way his name rolled off Mitch's tongue,the way he accentuated the 'c',and the warmth behind it.He turned around and for a second,they looked at each other just like they used to.Like they wanted to see into each-other's souls.Like there was a storm going around them,but they were secure,because they had each other.

"We need to talk."Scott came next to Mitch and sat on the floor,leaning his back on the couch.  
"I..uhm."Mitch began,clearing his throat."After everything that happened in highschool and after I.. went through some really fucked up things and I guess the way I coped with it was by ..building these tall walls around my heart and making sure they were strong enough to never be torn apart.You see,I made sure no one got close enough to win and break through.I became lonely and dark,and I never let anyone get to me in the true sense of the word.I knew I would never feel whole again,so I started tearing myself apart bit by bit just because.I lost control and I still do sometimes but .."Mitch looked down and continued,his voice so low Scott barely heard him.

"You made me feel whole again."Scott thought he misheard it."What did you say?"  
"You give me a purpose.You constantly overwhelm me,you can make my stomach tie in knots just by speaking my name.And your presence troubles me so much that I want to sing songs that have yet to exist,and I want to write poems just like you do,but I know I'll never be as good as you putting what I feel on paper.I don't think you even realize the effect you have on me-my heart aches,skipping beats,every time I hear my name flowing off your lips.Look at me,Scott,my walls are crumbling.It's scary,but oh god,I just can't help it.I'm sorry I have been so stupid and I know I don't deserve you,but.."

Scott wasn't even breathing anymore.All he could feel was this strange ,floating sensation.Mitch took his hands and as usually,they fitted like puzzle pieces.  
"I love you.And I-"  
Mitch inhaled sharply,trying to fill his lungs with courage as he continued,hurried  
"- I will love you as the night loves it's stars and as the pen loves the paper you write your poems on.I want to spend the nights awake with you,I want to count the freckles on your eyelids and I want to sing silly songs with you.I want to be around you and have our feet tangled under our sheets,and I want to feel your heartbeat,calm and steady,as I wake up next to you."

Scott's mind went blank for a second,as he was trying to comprehend what he had heard.Mitch loved him?He wanted..him?  
The confusion was replaced by an indescribable feeling in his chest,that filled him with joy that almost brought him to tears.From all the chaos he could only extract 3 simple words,but he felt as if they were enough.

"I love you too."  
After that it was all a blur of kisses and the familiar feeling of the brunette's embrace wrapped around his body.

"Oh god,I don't know how I couldn't see it before.You were right here the whole time,and I missed it.I had no clue." Mitch forgot about how when he kissed Scott he could taste the coffee on his lips or the way the patterns his fingers made traced themselves in the skin of his stomach like maps ,and he allowed himself to get lost in all of that.  
But the butterflies in his stomach, the tingling of Scott's lips and his hands on his back drew him back to reality - drew Mitch back to him. Scott's deep eyes were tearing up,making them look like the course of a steady river."Finally." he whispered against Mitch's lips,a sense of calm washing over him.

"What's wrong" asked the brunette,worried,looking for any signs of regret in the blonde's eyes.

"Nothing."He smiled,as he kissed him again."It's just that I've been waiting for this for a really,really long time."


	14. Chapter 13 - Uncertain/2:22 am

Hei  
It's 2:22 am.You slept in my bed last night and all I felt were my insides tearing me apart.I can't forget it and I can't let go -you're my favorite song and I've had you stuck in my head for so long,you became a part of my voice.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott''s pov

"Mitch I already told you I don't know where the bloody music sheets are!It's not my fault you will be late!" Scott yelled at Mitch from across the apartment.He was annoyed at how easily Mitch's head will set on fire over the silliest things.He enjoyed seeing him all worked up a bit too much,his sass at maximum levels and his high voice trying to act all serious.It was kind of adorable.That,when he wasn't being a bitch.He tried to hide his grin as he was looking for the sheets under a pile of clothes,but it didn't really work because he couldn't help it,a laugh shaking his body .

It wasn't really secret -Mitch was standing behind him,fuming."Are you laughing at me?You were the one that moved them,I can't believe you're .." Scott looked up at the brunette.He was so pretty he could cry.He gazed at him and pretended to listen to him ranting on an on about how he always moved his stuff,but in fact he was staring at his lips,gulping,mesmerized by them."Excuse me,are you even listening to me?I can't even talk to you right now,ugh." "Fine"Scott replied,trying his best to sound serious and mad."Fine!"Mitch snapped,wanting to leave and go look in his room.

But as he tried walking he felt his wrist being grasped by a hand.He stood in place for a second,trying to bite back his grin.Scott turned him around and with one swift move,he pulled him back to him,in a way that every inch of Mitch's body was pressed against his,grip tight on his hand -he couldn't let go even if he wanted to- He decided not give up so easily and melt into the blonde's arms."I'm mad at you,let me go." he spoke against Scott's shirt.

The blonde lifted Mitch's chin up with his other hand and cocked an eyebrow,his expression half serious,half amused "Make me." Mitch couldn't help but grin.There was no way he could ever stay mad at Scott.He wasn't kidding anyone -he would get weak in the knees every time the other even walked in the room.

As Mitch lifted himself up on his tiptoes to kiss Scott the blonde couldn't help but wonder how on earth did he get so lucky to have Mitch love him.He repeated it in his head over and over-it still sounded surreal.But he could feel it on his lips,in the way he need one more kiss before letting go,he could see it in the way he looked back at him.There were parts of him that still needed reassurance and there were times at night he grew sick with anxiety over the possibility of Mitch leaving him -there was so much he didn't know.

His importance grew bigger and bigger in his life with every exhale that counted their time apart and with ever line Mitch's fingers drew across the bare skin of his stomach,at night.  
At first Mitch teased him with short kisses,but at one point he just took the blonde's head in his hands and deepened the kiss,slowly backing away until they were pinned against the door of Mitch's bedroom.

Scott lifted the brunette who wrapped his arms around his torso.His lips traced little patterns on the soft skin of his neck,sucking lightly at his pulse."I thought you were mad at me." Scott whispered against his neck,biting it slightly,making sure he left marks.All he could hear in response from Mitch was a small moan as he curled his fingers into Scott's muscular back.

"I thought you were going to be late, too" Scott hummed ,grinning proudly.Now his teeth and tongue were leaving a ribbon of violet marks on Mitch's neck as he bit it upwards,making Mitch's breath heavier,his hands now tangled in Scott's hair."That can wait" Mitch muttered as he opened the door of his bedroom,shutting it closed behind them.

Mitch's POV

Mitch always knew Scot wasn't his to keep.That was the reason why he always kissed him one more time before letting go.That's why he gazed a few seconds extra and held on to his hand a little tighter than normal.

He listened so carefully to what the blonde spoke he inhaled his words.Their bodies pressed together tightly because he knew that's all he would be left with when Scott was gone.Memories.That's why he ran his fingers through Scott's hair and back to the bare skin of his stomach,cherishing every second he got to spend listening to him just exist next to him.Because in life some things are only built to break.

But trying to stop loving Scott was like trying to remember a person he'd never met.

He just hoped when the day came Scott would just wash him away like unwanted paint on his fingertips -he didn't want someone like Scott suffer over someone like him.Every second he spent near him he was terrified he would find out - he was afraid his walls would tumble down .He knew he was living a lie,it was all a big lie.It was meant to end.So as they were walking down the street to a coffee shop he held on Scott's hand a little tighter.Something disturbed their peace.

It was just for a second,but it made him froze in place.Aaron.He saw him walking through the bustling crowd -or did he? He turned around but he was no longer there.Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him.Or maybe he came back for Scott."Fuck."  
Out of instinct,Mitch pushed Scott between two buildings and shushed him,looking around for any sign of the blonde's ex.He knew he saw something -the last thing he needed was Aaron coming back for Scott and finding out the two of them were together now.

Oh no.If Aaron found out about them,there was no way it would make him leave them alone.He would be furious -and that meant everything crumbling down."What was that?"Scott looked worried.Mitch hated that he had to lie to him-again."Nothing,I just thought I saw something.I think I was imagining things."

As they walked back home again Mitch;s heart was racing.Scott tried to grab his hand,but the brunette jerked it away.He couldn't afford losing Scott over something like this.The blonde glanced him a hurt look but chose to remain silent.  
It wasn't the first time Mitch avoided showing everyone he was with Scott.Nobody really knew they were now a thing - Mitch never introduced him to any of his friends and never took him out.For him it was a small price he had to pay for Scott's well being.He was constantly afraid Aaron would find out.For all he knew,he could've had people watching them.  
Mitch was standing on their couch,watching Scott move around the apartment and humming to himself.He could see in his eyes he was troubled -they had a deep sadness in them and they looked like a storming sky.He hadn't said a word since their walk and Mitch began to feel extremely guilty."Are you ok?" Mitch knew it was pointless.Obviously,he was not.

Nothing.The silence was killing Mitch.He couldn't stand it anymore,and although he knew he would regret it,he pushed it."Scott?What's wrong?"  
"Are you ashamed of me,Mitch?"Scott snapped,turning to look him in eye.Mitch's heart sank-what was he supposed to say?No,I;m not,but I can't have your psycho ex know about us because he is dangerous and will also shatter everything you think about me?  
He had to let Scott believe whatever he wanted to.So he just looked down and picked at his fingers.

"It's ok,I have my answer." Scott spoke softly,turning his back to Mitch.He stood for a moment,with his head in his hands,and then grabbed his cigarettes and walked to the balcony,shutting the door behind him.  
Mitch curled himself into a ball -at first his cried was silent,but as night drew in it turned into sobs and gasping for air,clutching the pillow and trying his best not to fall apart.He had to be strong for Scott,even if it meant lying again.

It was all hopeless anyway,Mitch thought.Scott was going to leave him.


	15. Chapter 14 - Night of truth  /5:30 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist for Sleepless storm-this is the music that inspires me and that I listen to when I write.Check it out,please http://8tracks.com/cathyandherindie/sleepless-storm  
> let me know what you think .Comments? Enjoy

Hei  
It's 5:30 am.You have been a sad story to my ears for quite some time now because I could only find poetry in the warmth of your lips on my skin.I used to be able to write about the sky,about empty streets or about the thin,cold air of the night.But now it's all youyouyou  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

Scott could bare anything.He got treated like shit before and he could handle being the shoulder to cry on,the doormat - but he admitted Mitch being ashamed of him was one of the biggest pains he had ever experienced.

He had stuck in his mind the image of Mitch looking down,biting his lips when confronted.Not a single word.No apologies,no try of denying it.It left him breathless,it left him questioning everything they had.Why did he always love people like that?Why did he love the older guys,the drug dealers,the people who wouldn't even show in public with him?  
He wished he knew how to love without destroying himself in the process.He wished he could give his heart out without being left with a bloody,empty chest.It all teared him painfully apart-slowly but surely.

He was fed up with it.He wanted to see if Mitch would even miss him.He wanted to make him at least a little bit angry as him -it wouldn't compare to the shredding feeling inside of him.But it would do.  
So,he made a plan.

Mitch's POV

Last night had been horrible.After he eventually stopped crying he waited hours for Scott to come back to bed with him.He never did -he just stood there smoking and humming softly to himself.Mitch fell asleep to the lullaby of Scott's voice lingering in his ear.The last thing he remembered was an awful sinking feeling-Scott would rather be alone outside,probably freezing,than in there with him.And he had every right to.Without even being here,Aaron was hovering over his relationship -if he could call it that- and he was letting him have full control.

He hoped the gig him and Kirstie had that night would take his mind off.It was at the Hard Rock cafe and he was pretty excited about it -they even invited their little group of musician friends to come around and watch.There was Avi,Kevin and Lindsey - all that was missing was Scott being there.Mitch would've given anything to invite Scott.But he didn't want to risk it.They ended up avoiding each other all day and Mitch leaving a note for him-he had no idea how he was going to fix it this time.

_________________________________

The show had been amazing.All the lights,the applause,the crowd -it all gave Mitch a thrilling feeling and pumped him full of energy.It was one of their best gigs ever.He was excited to get to his table and find out what everyone else was thinking.He's not here.A voice was nagging at him.The only person you really wanted to be here -he's not here.And it's your fault.  
The place was bustling with people - the music was loud,the lights were colorful,every table had candle light and the bands playing were good,too.Not as good as them,but still.This could end up being a pretty decent night,Mitch though.

"Hi Mitch." Wrong,he was wrong.From across the table he saw Scott sitting next to Lindsey,looking like he was carved out of marble.His eyes were twinkling in the candle light and he was drinking what looked like his second martini.He was so hot Mitch wanted to jump on him.He could tell he took the extra time to get ready that night and Mitch's heart beat faster at the idea that it was for him."Wha-what are you doing here?"

Mitch watched Scott throw his head back in a laugh and wink at him.He ran his fingers through his hair to fix it up and then put an arm around Lindsey's shoulders."I know this cutie from work.I saw her here and what do you know,she was invited to see your show."It was driving Mitch insane.He knew was Scott was doing,but he decided not to give in.After all,it was for his own good.

"So,how do you know Scott?" Lindsey asked,seemingly innocent.Mitch stuttered "He's my friend,I mean,uhm..we share a flat." Scott raised an eyebrow at the word friend and threw him a glare over his Martini glass.Without breaking contact,he also replied to Lindsey in a raspy voice "Oh we share a lot of things alright,don't we,Mitch?"

The brunette wanted to kill him.Thinking again about that deep,dark voice,he also wanted to make out with him.He wanted both,actually.So he looked down and noticed Kirstie being extremely amused at the whole situation,giggling and smelling like a Pina Colada.He shot a glare at her but it didn't help.

"Yeah,like fluids." she muttered under her breath and started laughing loudly,ignoring the looks she was getting from Mitch.It took him several pokes to get her to stop."Oh,I mean a cat.They share a cat."

Mitch had a tingling sensation on the pit of his stomach.Scott was on to something.He ordered himself a martini too and tried to ignore the glances the blonde kept throwing at him.He knew that if he stared for too long he would lose his control.After all it was a pretty big place and Aaron could have friends working there.  
"So,how come you're not here with your boyfriend Mitch?" Lindsey asked casually.The blood drained from the brunette's face as he started to play nervously with a lock of Kirstie's hair."He didn't want to join you?"Scott took a sip of his drink and smirked at Mitch,causing his blood to rush.The things that boy could do to him.

"Uhm,it's not like that.Well,my love life is not that interesting,we should"  
"Oh,no.Tell us more" Scott replied in the iciest,most sarcastic tone."Well,I can't really talk about him."Everyone's eyes were on Mitch.Kirstie started giggling again -she was drunk,so to no use for Mitch."Is he too hideous to go out in public with?" joked Avi.  
"No,he's hot,but I.."Mitch's hands were now trembling and he was clawing his nail in the seat,sweating nervously."Well then,he must be an idiot or something,but I don't see you dating a moron" added Kevin."N-no." Mitch couldn't break eye contact with Scott."He just..I couldn't bring him."Like a cloud before rain,Scott's look was dark,and filled with anger and disappointment.

"Or maybe he left him at home,locked behind doors.Maybe he was too afraid his perfect image would be ruined by taking 'his boyfriend' out.Maybe he was ashamed."

That was it.Mitch had enough."Fuck it."  
He got up from behind his table and walked to Scott.He grabbed him and kissed him with a burning passion,his hands on the back of Scott's neck,bringing them closer.Scott grinned in their kiss and snaked his arms around Mitch's tiny waist,lifting him up slowly.He grazed his tongue on Mitch's lips and bit them slightly,gaining entrance.Mitch let out a little moan in Scott's mouth and the blonde giggled-they only stopped when they both needed air."There.You happy now." Mitch muttered against his lips,bringing their foreheads together.

Kirstie was drinking her pina colada and she almost choked out of surprise.Avi whistled in appreciation and Kevin and Lindsey had their mouths open in shock,letting out little Wow's."Didn't expect that." Lindsey spoke -Kirstie clapped,excited ,and fist bumped Mitch.They were now all laughing.Mitch ran his fingers over his lips-they were still burning-and whispered in Scott's ear "Wait untill tonight so I can repay you for all those snarky comments,mister" The blonde licked his lips playfully and whispered "Can't wait." making Mitch turn a deep red.

Just as he was laughing it off Kirstie nudged him and he turned his head around.She looked like she just saw a ghost.And so she did.Aaron was staring at them from across the bar ,looking extremely pissed off.Mitch knew he had no time to get away or to at least pull Scott out.He had to face him.

Because he was coming to their table.

Mitch's POV

Mitch was standing on the thin line between having a panic attack or fainting.He instantly turned to Kirstie and mouthed "Scott.Get Scott out." But she was already hyperventilating and looked like she was going to have a panic attack of her own,so he signaled Lindsey to take her outside.Before Aaron eventually got through the crowd and to their table Mitch turned to Scott and said the most heartbreaking tone "I'm sorry,I'm really sorry for this.I told you you deserved better.I won't blame you."

Mitch didn't get the chance to explain himself.Before he knew it,Aaron came behind Scott and wrapped an arm around him.Scott was surprised,but seemed excited of him being there,and that shot like a bullet through Mitch's heart."I didn't know you were in town.Hi,how are you?"

Small talk.Scott was making small talk with Aaron,who no longer seemed furious,but instead had an incredibly mean look in his eyes."Oh,I'm excellent.I saw you guys and I thought I'd come by and say hi." Was he going to leave them alone?Mitch almost sighed in relief.  
"Of course,I have a word with Mitch.You might want to hear all of this actually."There it was.Mitch felt trapped.Kirstie was drunk and in no position to help him.Scott was blisfully unaware of the situation,and so were the other guys.He tried his best to look content and sure of himself and spoke in an icy tone "Aaron,don't make a scene.If we need to 'talk',let's take it outside."

He hoped he came off as confident,because he sure as hell wasn't.He didn't know too much about self defense,but if getting beaten was the price he had to pay to get him to shut up,he would pay it.Surprisingly,Aaron nodded with a smug smile and headed for the exit.Mitch didn't even throw a glance at Scott's expression -he was afraid of what he would find there.  
As soon as they stepped outside,in the parking lot of the cafe,Mitch felt the burn of a slap across his face.He knew there would be more than a slap.He was grateful the physical pain distracted him from the throbbing inside his heart though.

"You just don't seem to get it,you twink,do you? I told you already,BACK OFF.I can make your life hell" Aaron pushed Mitch and stood with his fists clenched,close to the brunette's face.  
"Go to hell.He doesn't love you,why do you even try." Mitch replied,backing away,slowly.The response only got him a kick in the stomach that made him want to lie down in pain.His eyes were welling up with tears but he didn't want to start crying in front of Aaron.He knew that if Aaron wanted,he could kill him right there.  
But he didn't stop there.Mitch now laid on the floor,praying it was going to be over soon.Aaron kept kicking and punching him until the brunette couldn't breathe anymore-Mitch didn't make one sound-Aaron was smart so he only punched where he knew the bruises wouldn't be obvious.

Mitch stood there,on the cold concrete floor,cheeks stained with tears,feeling as if he would pass out at any moment from the pain,when he heard a voice from the other side of the parking lot.But not any voice.Scott's voice."Hello?You two there?"

He whispered "No" to himself before Aaron started pulling him up."Get up,you twat.Not a word,or you're dead."Somehow,Mitch managed to get up on two feet.He considered staying on the floor and dying too,because at this point having Scott hate and leave him was worse than disappearing for good.  
"Is everything ok?What is taking so long?" Scott gave them both a funny look.Mitch was lucky to have a wall nearby he could lean on,or else there were little chances he could stand up straight."Everything is ok with me Scott,but I wonder if you really know the person you so-call your 'boyfriend'" Aaron spoke,pointing to Mitch as if he was the scum of the earth.

"What do you mean?Mitch?" The brunette could barely say a word,his entire chest felt like it snapped in half.He let out a forced,raspy "Please,don't." and coughed.  
"See,he's begging me not to tell you.He's hiding from you.Is that the kind of person you want to be with?" Mitch wanted to disappear,he felt too fragile.He couldn't move,or speak for himself,and he just watched things unravel before him,hopeless."N-no."  
"Go ahead,Mitchie,tell him where you were before Scott met you.Tell him,or I will."  
Scott looked at Mitch,and in that moment,the brunette felt contempt with the thought of dying.Of finding the nearest tall building and jumping over the edge into nothing."Hospital." was all he was able to mutter.His eyes were teared up and he covered his face with his hands.

"He was in a fucking mental hospital,Scott.You are dating a crazy person.I'm sure he hasn't bothered to tell you any of this,but I did some research for you.Has he told you about being admitted for 4 months?Have you told him about the voices you hear,Mitchie? That's what I thought.I'm sure he's the same,he's just gotten good at pretending,haven't you?The voices are still there,right,Mitch?"

Scott tried to look at Mitch,but he didn't return his glance.He was simply looking down,his eyes completely empty,clear streams of tears pouring from them.His face was red from crying.Scott was desperate for somehow of response from Mitch.He simply didn't look like he was with them.

It wasn't over yet.That thought only made Mitch cry harder,gasping for air,every muscle of his chest burning.Aaron wouldn't let him get away only with that,he was sure.  
"You thought he was always a fabulous singer,living an expensive life?Has he told you where he got all his money?" Mitch's shoulders shook from the sobs - before Aaron started talking again,not losing his smug smile,he managed to let out a few words.He knew the truth would come out anyway.

"Sex.I used to have sex with people for money."  
"He was a manwhore!'Aaron yelled"He was a fucking manwhore.I'm sure you don't know about the businesses him and his buddy Josh used to do either,right?The way they split the money?The drugs,all those expensive clubs?"  
"Mitch,is any of this true?" Scott's tone didn't have any traces of anger in them.Just plain shock."Is he.. is he speaking the truth?"  
"Yes."  
Scott's shoulders dropped and his eyes widened,as he gasped.  
There it was.Mitch's entire heart,ripped apart in every way possible,on display for everyone to see.For Scott to see the truly horrible person he was.Now that he had a clear view of every bit of it,he was sure he would never come back to him.

So,he gathered every ounce of strength left in him.And as painful as it was,he started running.


	16. Chapter 17 - Medicine/3:55 am

Hei,  
It's 3:55 am.I have always wondered if this is all a liquid dream, unsubstantial and impossible to hold onto.But then you took my hand and they fitted perfectly,and the way you looked up at me made my heart cave in,so I guess maybe this isn't a dream,maybe you're my dream.And I never,ever want to wake up.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

It took exactley 30 minutes for Scott to finally comprehend what happened and start falling apart.Everything he had done to this point he did it mechanically,his moves were swift but sure,his eyes lacking any emotion as the back of his hand hit Aaron,the sound of his slap echoing in the whole parking lot.He managed to keep himself composed as he texted Lindsey to make sure Kirstie was ok,he managed to stop his hands from shaking as he looked for his keys ,he managed to drive half the road home despite the pounding in his head and the swirling waves of pain.

But as some point it was all too much for him and his heart started racing in his chest painfully-he could barely breath and he felt like his lungs were about to collapse under the weight on his chest.It was all too much,there was guilt,and hurt,and worry,and even betrayal,it was a mix of everything,and it was all there,burning and drowning him at the same time -and what was even worse was the fact that it all manifested itself in flashbacks.

Scott spent the last months completely blind and quite possibly,in a complete lie.If Mitch truly loved him,he would have told him all of this.Scott should've left the moment he realized something was wrong.But instead he let himself fall in love with Mitch and now there was no way out -he had to know everything or else he was sure he was going to explode and float away into air like ash,like the remains of a fire Mitch lit under him.

Finally,the blonde got to their apartment and barged in.He didn't care it was 2 am,he was so frantic to find the whole truth for once -he came in so fast the front door hit the wall with a loud noise that echoed through the whole staircase.

" Why do you party so much?I mean,Its not my place to ask but like-   
Sht - Don't worry,I'll tell you.You see,babe,most of us are trying to destroy ourselves anyway ,so I chose the most fun way.Mitch replied with a sad smile."

The memories went through Scott with a tearing pain.He wasn't sure what he was looking for-his eyes were teared up as he stomped around the apartment,kicking everything in his way,looking under pillows,in books,with no direction or purpose whatsoever.He didn't let himself cry - he knew he had to see it with his own eyes before falling apart.He wanted to be sure of it before he teared up in a million little pieces.

He swung Mitch's door open and went in,determined to look until he would find something to prove him wrong.But the sight of the neatly made bed,the music sheets sprawled across the floor,the smell of the room -it smelled like vanilla,and cigarettes,and Mitch,they were all intertwined with different memories,and the ache in his heart got so bad he had to stop for a minute and close his eyes.

Now he understood why Kirstie was always so protective of Mitch.Why she always gave him a second look to make sure he was ok,and why she looked damn right proud when Scott beat Josh up.

"He's getting bad again,Scott,and this time I'm not sure I can bring him back."

Scott looked through every corner of the room,but he couldn't find anything.Until he went into his bathroom and decided to open the cabinet above Mitch's sink.  
For a second his throat was incapable of forming the right noise,so all he let out was a wimper - he tried his best to drag air into his lungs,but it suddenly became the hardest thing to do.

" Why are you doing this to himself" Scott whispered against Mitch;s lips.  
"I need to kill something inside me.Or at least make it numb.But it's really,really hard Scott.He won't let me."Scott felt a hot tears beginning to pour from Mitch's closed eyes.  
"Who..won't let you?" the blonde whispered back in a worried tone.Mitch ignored him and wiped his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.  
"Fuck,no,I'm not going to cry again.Fuck.Just kiss me,please.I need to forget. "

Scott stepped back and almost tripped shutting the cabinet door with a loud noise.He didn't expect to find something like this.It left him speechless.

"After everything that happened in highschool and after I.. went through some really fucked up things and I guess the way I coped with it was by ..building these tall walls around my heart and making sure they were strong enough to never be torn apart.You see,I made sure no one got close enough to win and break through.I became lonely and dark,and I never let anyone get to me in the true sense of the word.I knew I would never feel whole again,so I started tearing myself apart bit by bit just because.I lost control and I still do sometimes.."

Pills.

More exactly,dozens of them.Anti-depressants,anxiety pills,pills for sleeping,pills with weird names that Scott couldn't even pronounce.All neatly organized into little bags,with days written on them,prescriptions stacked on top of each other right next to them.

The tears were coming too fast as they streamed down his face,wetting the collar of his shirt as he covered his eyes with the back of his hands. He let himself slid to the floor, drawing his legs up to his chin and hiding his face against them.

Scott took his phone out of his pocket and did the only thing he could think of - he texted Kirstie.  
To:Kirstie  
Are you still at Lindsey's?Can you please come quick?It's urgent.  
From:Kirstie  
Yeah,I'm all sobered up.I'll be there in a few.Hold on.

Scott's chest felt heavy when he saw the text from Kirstie.He couldn’t stop thinking about where Mitch was right now. He couldn't stop thinking about Mitch. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mitch and he fucking hated himself for it.   
Scott let himself break under the weight of both worry and hurt for a minute.He curled himself up into a ball. His whole body hurt. Every single one of his bones was trembling and he was so tired. He was used to being sleep deprived. He was used to the headaches that were bad enough to make him tremble. His heart was fluttering in his chest but not in a good way, it just felt exhausted. 

Suddenly,he could hear the front door being open and Kirstie's faint voice calling him from the hall.Scott didn't raise his head,but when Kirstie walked in the bathroom he just figured she followed the sound.

"Oh no,baby.It's ok." she coo'd as she sat next to Scott and put her arms around him."I'm guessing Aaron told you about Mitch ..are you alright?"  
"Please,tell me.Tell me everything.There's no point in hiding now."Scott's voice came out more damaged than he expected as he lifted his head,looking in Kirstie's eyes.They were so full of worry it scared the absolute shit out of him - he was barely hanging on by a few threads.

"I want you to know that he never meant to hurt you by keeping this from you.He never tells this to anyone -I'm the only one who knows.It damaged him in ways you couldn't understand and that's the reason he was hesitant to be with you,and why he is still uncertain." Kirstie sighed and after a long pause,she continued.  
"It all started senior year.I know he told you about Michael.I was right there for all of it - I saw the Mitch I knew change into almost nothing in less than 2 months.He was diagnosed with psychotic depression shortly after Michael shot himself.His parents were always away,so he lived with me for a while.It all unraveled very quickly -I had to force him to go to a doctor,I stayed up nights on end to make sure he was sleeping,to make sure he was taking his pills.One night when I came from school I found him on my bedroom floor,with a bottle of pills in his hand.I thought..I thought I lost him" Kirstie's voice cracked and she took a while to compose herself before wiping her eyes and continuing.  
"I got there before he could swallow the whole bottle.I dragged him across the floor and into the tub and turned the shower on - he kept mumbling mindlessly,he kept telling me Michael is speaking to him,he told me he was supposed to be with him.I had never been so scared in my life than when I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital.After that night he shut everyone out -except me,because I wouldn't let him- he built these walls around himself and drowned himself in alcohol,he started smoking,and wasting his nights in clubs,although he was still on medication.He simply didn't care about himself anymore,and I fought hard to partially bring him back to the surface.And you helped me.You made him better in ways I couldn't." Kirstie smiled faintly at Scott.

He couldn’t stop crying but he stoped sounding like he was being choked by the tears. As he feelt the weight of the image Kirstie just painted,Mitch laying on the floor,unconscious,he found that each breath came harder."What about..what about the part where he used to..sleep with people for-for money?" Scott mumbled,trying desperately to drag air into his lungs.

"I don't know a lot about that part.There were a couple of dark months before I dragged him out of that -he met Josh,and I guess he helped him forget,he helped him cope.But the ways he did it were all wrong.Mitch would've done anything to forget about his old life.He didn't do it for the money,I'm sure.That's why I hate Josh so much,why I was so glad you got rid of him.Mitch was so vulnerable,I'm sure he took advantage of that."  
Scott barely breathes at this point -Mitch suffered so much.All he wants is to embrace him and hold him tight until all his scattered pieces glue back together.They sat in silence for a minute,until Kirstie whispered a faint "Oh no" to herself.  
"What?What is it?"  
"Do you know where Mitch is?We need to find him."she spoke,getting up,heading for the front door.Scott followed her and tried not to panic at the tone of her voice.  
"I just guessed he went out to calm,or that he needed time to think.Why?"  
"He is sure you don't want to see him again,so he'll be hard to find.He doesn't want to be found.." Kirstie mumbled to herself as she looked for her keys and paced the apartment frantically."I texted and called him a million times in the last hour."

Kirstie stopped in the middle of the living room and turned around.The look in her eyes scared Scott to death.

"He once told him that he'd rather die than have you hate him.I'm not sure if he meant it,but I'm not willing to risk it.We have to find him."


	17. Chapter 17-Closest to heaven part I /4:47 am

hei  
It is 4:47 am and I hope that,for once,you can't sleep.So you can see how it is to have every single night transform itself in a sleepless mess of your eyes,or the way your hipbones push slightly forward when you hug me,the way you stir in your tea endlessly,or the way you..your eyes,oh god,your eyes.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams

Scott's POV

As soon as Kirstie and Scott get into the car the sky opens and it starts to pour.It's almost 4 am and there is this clarity,this coldness in the air that is so familiar to Scott.Two months ago,this would be the hour he would sit by the windows,words of Mitch pouring out of his pen,spilling all the adjectives he could think of that could describe his warmth on paper.And just a few days before this would be the hour he would lay next to Mitch,brushing his fingers in his hair while he quietly slept,rolling in Scott's arms only to come impossibly closer.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now"

He drives mechanically,he turns street over street and struggles to see the road,not sure if it's the rain that makes his vision foggy or his eyes tearing up,while Kirstie sits quietly in the passager's seat,texting and calling Mitch over and over again.The silence is palpable,and the panicked look in Kirstie's eyes nags at Scott.He eventually stops the car on the side of the road.He sighs and rests his forehead on the wheel.Rain always reminded him of Mitch - it reminded him that Mitch was a thunderstorm,loud and bold,outgoing,beautiful and unsettling,while Scott was merely an April shower.

In all fairness,everything reminded him of Mitch."I'm so tired." Scott whispered,his head resting on the cold glass of the window.In the corner of his eye he saw Kirstie fell asleep next to him,phone in her hands.She looked too exhausted to be woken up,so Scott decided to let her sleep and keep searching on his own.He suddenly put his keys back into contact and started his car,briefly remembering a place him and Mitch used to go to.

The windshield wipers aren't keeping up with the rain and Scott's hand tremble on the wheel as he drives.He eventually parks next to a narrow street that has old fashioned looking houses,stone pavement and trees everywhere.They used to go here and just sit on the steps near the trees and drink their coffee's.It was one of their favorite places because it was unique.  
Scott got out of the car -he doesn't care about the rain,his entire body is shaking at this point.His heart sinks in when , three feet away,sitting on stone steps under a big willow,he sees Mitch.He has his knees brought up so he rests his face on them.

"And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
And sooner or later it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight"

"Mitch!" Scott yells over the rain,but he doesn't seem to hear him.He runs towards the brunette-at this point he is soaking wet,but he doesn't care."Mitch!"  
The brunette raises his head.For a second happiness flashes on his face,but it's gone right away and replaced with hurt,and worry.Scott's heart breaks seeing him like this.His black lock stick to his face and get into his eyes,his face is red from crying and he is shivering,looking like a stray dog.Scott takes off his jacket and puts it over Mitch's shoulders,who keeps looking down.The blonde sits besides him,but they feel miles away.Mitch looks up sadly at him and speaks softly.  
"I understand if you hate me and want to move out."

That makes Scott feel as if his insides are shredding,leaving his chest breathless,snapped in half.All he can mutter is "I don't hate you.".He hates this,he doesn't even have the courage to put his arm around Mitch,he feels so fragile he could shatter.He just want him to tell him everything will be ok,that it's over now.

"I told you,I told you a hundred times.I told you I am not for you,I told you I'm not worthy of you.I told I'd hurt you,but you stayed anyway.I fell in love with you and then it fell apart.You're not mine to keep.You don't deserve my damage."  
For the first time Scott raises his head and looks back at him,and it's more powerful than ever,rain pouring around them,thunder rumbling over their head.Scott's heart is aching,because all he wants to do is rush forward and scoop Mitch in his arms,but he can't.  
"I don't care.Bring me your bad,your worst,your loneliest.I will kiss them each and then some more.I don't care if it hurts,I decided a long time ago I wanted you,and by that I mean everything,all of it."  
"But you didn't know all of it!" Mitch yells and it takes Scott by surprise."I was torn apart in front of you by your ex,who practically yelled all my secrets in front of you after beating the shit out of me!He called me insane,and maybe that's what I am,and a manwhore,so when I say you are not mine to keep,I know what I'm talking about!When will you get it and give up"

They both breathed heavily and stared at |each other for what seemed like years.Scott's words slip off easily,but they barely make any sound."You-you want me to go?"Mitch looks away and covers his face with the back of his hands,trying his best not to cry again."It's better for you this way.."

Mitch,who dove into his heart and put all his fears to sleep,who wiped his fears clear and painted stars on all his dreams of the future.Mitch,who made his white nights bearable just by having his lips smiling against the skin of Scott's shoulder,tickling him with his laughter.Mitch,who poured warmth into the blonde's bones and made him write words ripped from his heart about him.

Scott got up and glanced Mitch one more look.The brunette couldn't even look him in the eye.So he turned around and started slowly walking towards his car.

If Mitch didn't come for him,this would be it.


	18. Chapter 18 - Rain part II/6:41 am

Hei  
It is 6:41 and I ran out of paper so I started writing on anything that I could find -napkins,old books,newspapers.I wrote on everything because I felt like if I don't spill the words I have accumulated about you I will not be able to think or sleep ever again,so I panicked.I calmed when I heard you sleeping in my bed and I was at peace when I lied next to you.I long for a forever of scribbled napkins.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams

Mitch's POV

Mitch thought about it for a second.  
Head down,rain pouring over him,clothes soaking wet,tear stained cheeks and damaged heart.He thought about Scott continuing to walk to his car.He would drive off giving him one last look.He wouldn't tell Kirstie right away,he would go home and not sleep,he would just stare into the ceiling,and then he would gather his things and move,leaving his scent lingering on Mitch's sheets.

And Mitch would be left there,on those cold stairs,alone.He would get up hours later,after the sun came out and people started walking by him,giving curious looks to the boy with lifeless eyes.He would slowly walk home and he would find his apartment empty.He would lay in Scott's bed,and think of him,and inhale his memory.He would live in the lightest shade of blue in his eyes,and he would breathe the clear memory he had of Scott's hands warming up his hands on a cold New York night.He would live off the memory of a boy he let go because instead of trying to become better ,he used it as an excuse not to damage him.  
And suddenly there was a new kind of pain swelling in his heart.The pain of losing Scott for good.Not even having him hate Mitch,just losing him,wasting it all way.And he wasn't sure it was the kind of pain he could live with.

His veins felt heavy with the thought of never falling asleep in the sleepless arms of that boy.Panic rose in his chest.He knew it was selfish,but he simply couldn't have it.  
"Stop!" Mitch yelled and ran to Scott,who took him in his arms without a word,as if it was a given,as if that was the place Mitch always belonged to -and so it was.Suddenly,the street light next to them went out and they were covered by darkness.  
The night was pitch black so they sat in silence,rain speaking all the words for them.Mitch listened to the strange music that was Scott's heavy heartbeat and he thought it was kind of beautiful.

They couldn't see anything but Mitch realized he really didn't need to see anything,they were quite literally surrounded by a storm,but it felt more secure and safer than his empty apartment would,or anything would,for that matter.  
"You're going to get pneumonia" Scott whispered and Mitch sighed in relief,tugging his arms around the blonde's waist.He was still there,Mitch thinks,and almost cryes again,because after all the horrible thing he found out,after the way he was treated,after being a doormat,oh god,he was there,even when Scott had the right to walk away ages ago and let Mitch tear himself to pieces,he was still there.  
And for some weird,unknown reason he chose to love Mitch and now it was the middle of the night and they were hugging in the middle of the street and Mitch's heart felt so heavy with love it could burst.He never meant for things to be this way,he never meant to fall in love,but he realized that maybe now he needed Scott like the earth needed the Sun to rise each morning.

He also needed some kind of confirmation Scott didn't fade away or wasn't washed away by the rain,so when he raises his head their lips come together quickly and fit eachother perfectly,burning under the cold rain.Mitch feels the same thing he has in his heart on Scott's lips and is content,so he snakes his arm around him again,resting his head on the blonde's chest.

Mitch sinks into Scott's arms and Scott holds him a little closer,trying to make Mitch as protected from the rain as he can.The headlights of the car flash and Scott figures Kirstie woke up.They walk to the car and Mitch is safely tucked under Scott's arm,and when they open the door Kirstie gives Mitch a sad smile and hurries them in.

They dropped her off after making the promise to call first thing in the morning and Mitch sat in the passenger's seat quietly,shivering so bad he could hear his teeth clattering in his mouth.He watched the city lights go by and thanked god again he was going home with Scott instead of by himself with a bus.And later,when he was on their couch covered in a hundred blankets but still shivering he still thanked god he could hear Scott making tea in the kitchen instead of hearing nothing.

He got up and paddled away to the kitchen,where he found Scott facing the wall,looking for the sugar.He came closer and rested his forehead on the blonde's back,taking him by surprise.Mitch sighed and let the heat from Scott's body seep through the light cotton of his shirt and into his bones.He just felt this overwhelming guilt and it hit him so hard his eyes filled with tears once again.

"Thank you,and I'm sorry.I'm so sorry about how you had to found out" his voice sounded gutted and when Scott turned around Mitch looked so defenseless,so fragile,a big blanket over his shoulders,trembling in the middle of their kitchen."It's fine,we'll talk tomorrow' Scott whispers and Mitch finds that in his words seeps sadness and frustration.He finds the same ache he feels in his chest in the blonde's eyes.He's upset,of course he's upset,Mitch thinks to himself.

And it kills him ,being the source of the perfect,clear blue being stirred up into storms.But it also physically pains him thinking about not sleeping with Scott tonight,so after swallowing a few aspirins Scot gave him and after gathering all his blankets and carrying them to his bedroom,an unspoken question clings in the air,and Scott sighs as a response but takes off his jeans and climbs in under the covers.  
Mitch can feel the guilt nagging at him,so he tries his best to fall asleep as soon as possible,not believing the kind of screw up Scott chose to be with. His eyes are still closed when he rolls over in Scott’s arms , and he huffs a sigh, but doesn’t open them. He buries closer to Scott in his sleep, his nose nuzzling into it’s familiar spot right under Scott's chin. 

A thought startles him away from sleep soon after and he tenses in Scott's arms."Are you ok?" Mitch's heart throbs at the protective tone of the whisper and tries his best not to start crying."It's fine,it's just.." he sighs in the dark and covers his eyes with the back of his hands."I forgot to take my meds" he says,wanting to dissapear under the covers and slip away through the sheets.

"Your..meds?" Scott stands up and Mitch looks up at him and doesn't want to accept the reality that this beautiful boy is stuck with a lunatic like him."You know..my medicine."There is an unspoken 'oh' in the air and Scott gets up on his feet."I'll get them,just tell me which bottle."  
It pains Mitch a little,realizing Scott went through his cabinet and saw all his medication,but it also makes him grateful."It's the little box labeled Sunday".Scott comes back with a glass of water and the pills and hands them to Mitch.As he swallows each pill,an amount that horrifies Scott,the expression he can see in the blonde's eyes kinda makes him want to cry.

As he swallows the last one Scott breaks down a bit and whispers "Oh,babe." coming closer to press a kiss to Mitch's hair and take the glass of water."No more lies" he speaks as he climbs back up in bed and wraps his arms around the brunette."No more lies." Mitch repeats as he tangles their legs together and comes a little closer,closing the space between them.

He wonders if after the last days he would have someone to fall asleep with in the future.But he didn't want someone,anyone,he wanted Scott.And in that second he was terrified he wouldn't be able to keep him there,to keep him his.

Instead,he makes himself fall asleep to the thought that without Scott,days feel like year,but with him hours feel like seconds.


	19. Chapter 19 - Left/5:47 am

Hei  
It is 5:47 am and last night I added new definition to my idea of pain - the night I saw you saying sorry for all the pills you took and all the damage was also the night I watched you drown yourself in sorrows you couldn’t live with anymore.I'm sorry for screaming swim! at you along with the others for so long,I promise to never leave you drifting away in the ocean again.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Mitch's POV

Mitch was woken up by the morning rays of sun shining in his eyes -it only took them a second,because Scott came in and carefully pulled the curtains.Before he walked out he checked up on Mitch,who pretended to be asleep and tried not to notice how caring Scott was even when the brunette was sleeping.

Mitch stretched and frowned when he felt the coldness of his bed,letting out a little disappointed wimper.He could hear Scott in the kitchen and his heart sunk,because he knew in the light of the day things weren't going to be so easy,he would have to confront the facts -he was so tired,even after sleeping for 10 hours,and he wondered if Scott even got any sleep at all.He dragged himself to the kitchen,wearing one of Scott's tshirt's that was huge on him,barefoot and with his hair all messed up.

It was killing him.Yes,he called Scott back,and yes,the blonde accepted to fall sleep with him again,but that didn't make things alright.He apologized only once,and Scott insisted on the idea that they would 'talk tomorrow' and that is was 'fine'.So he cautiously entered the kitchen and sat down at the counter,watching Scott make coffee-he didn't even notice Mitch coming in and he just sang to himself,a scowl on his face.

"Well,I see you standing there like a rabid dog,And you got those crying eyes .."  
"Makes me want to surrender,and wrap you in my arms" Mitch finishes the lyric and Scott turns around,looking him in the eye.His feet are cold against the tile and the atmosphere shifts under the weigh of their gaze.Mitch never failed to compare the blonde's eyes to an ocean,or to the sky - and right now there was so much damage done,there were sinking ships and crashing tides,there were black thunderstorm clouds and heavy rain.

"You're up." Scott finally breaks the silence and pours Mitch a cup of coffee,trying to keep himself busy."Does your..medication always knock you out like that?"  
"Well..I,yes.Kind of." Mitch's hand tremble as he holds his cup and looks down,trying to compose himself."Scott,listen.."  
"Why?" Mitch can feel Scott's frustration and confusion in his words as the blonde snaps.He expected something like this,it can't always be calm waters."Why wouldn't you tell me something like this,you didn't think between all those times we got drunk and you kissed me to get over Josh and those when you were going out in New York you should mention it to me?"

"I was afraid ok?I was afraid you were going to walk out the minute you would find out.I'm not easy to be with,that's why I go out with people like Josh,who treat me like the terrible person I am,and who don't invest feelings into it.But then I fell in love for you and it all went wrong,it wasn't supposed to be like this,this wasn't the plan.." 

Mitch freezes and realizes he might have said a little bit too much in his desperate attempt to make things right and apologies,so he just hopes Scott didn't notice.  
"Plan?What plan?" Scott isn't letting this go and he leans on the counter,looking straight at Mitch,who is feeling even more vulnerable then when he was lying in the parking lot,with Aaron kicking him in the stomach.

"Well,after I came out of the hospital,Kirstie suggested I should get a roommate,because she already had one at the time and she thought the company would do me good.Then you came along and you were more than I ever hoped for ..you were do different from my life,and you brought out the good in me ..so Kirstie suggested I should make a friend to ..distract me from my problems.But then we became so much more,we became best friends and I slowly started getting feelings for you,and that was even when i was dating Josh,I couldn't stop comparing the way you treat me with the way he did.It wasn't supposed to go like this.Then you came to New York and you told me you loved me,and then Kirstie's accident .. my mind went crazy,I didn't even allow myself to hope or believe you were meaning it."

"So..so I was supposed to be a distraction?A toy you could toss and play again with when you were hurt?"   
"No!..I'm so sorry.I just.. I don't understand." Mitch's voice comes out as a whisper at the end as he stares in his coffee and prays he won't see tears falling into it,not again.He fumbles with the cup and doesn't have the guts too look up,too scared of the kind of expression Scott could have in his eyes."What don't you understand?"Scott sweeps a lock of his hair from Mitch's face and the gentle touch burns on the brunette's skin,the mere contact bringing tingles in the pit of his stomach.

"I don't understand how you haven't ran away yet,how come you're here,still."  
"You just don't see it,do you?" Scott asks gently,and when Mitch looks up confused Scott pats his cheek with his hand and smiles sadly."Well maybe if you don't see it then you don't want to,so I should leave."

Mitch doesn't move for long after the door is closed.

The inevitable has happened.Scott left.He knew this moment would come,but somehow the throbbing pain that sinks his entire chest takes him by surprise,so he ends up curling up on the floor of his living room,not knowing what else to do.It's like a void deep inside him,and the pain is constant and pulsating,and it breaks his entire chest in half.If Scott left for good,he took a lot of Mitch with him.He finally got sick of it,Mitch thinks,and doesn't blame Scott one bit.  
He hyperventilates and it takes a while for his breath to become steady again.When Michael died a part of Mitch went with him.It felt similar with Scott,so now he was barely hanging on by a loose thread,trying to scrape together some pieces from the bottom of his heart and put together some sort of body,some sort of sense.It was really hard.He didn't want to think about his days in the hospital,he didn't think want to think about the voice -those were all from the past.They hadn't crept in since Scott crashed in his life,shining his addicting warmth on every wall of his soul,lighting everything.

At some point he even contemplates calling Josh,because he can't figure out if he stopped feeling anything or if he's feeling soo much that his body can't handle it.He tries to look around the room and find Wyatt to distract himself,but the sharp pain isn't going anywhere.As he looks around he notices a stack of letter paper neatly tied with a rope,hidden under the couch.

It sparks his interest so he makes an effort and stretches out to grab it.He pulls it out and surprisingly,it isn't full of dust,showing someone had been adding on to it.They are all notes written in a beautiful,cursive handwriting and they are dated,starting with the earliest-3weeks after Scott moved in.Mitch gasps and opens it,reading it without even breathing.

Hey  
It's 2:30 am and I am walking around our apartment again,counting the shades of auburn in your eyes -I am up to 25.Earlier I counted 200 stars and I tried to gather some sleep from them but they wouldn't share any.I almost cried at the thought that I'm doing all this in our apartment,the only thing we share when actually,if it were up to me,you would have my everything,because you are my everything.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

His heart jumps when he realizes Oh my god,this is Scott's handwriting and Oh my god,this must be for me.  
Sure enough,the stack is labeled "From when I couldn't sleep so instead I wrote for him.".They go since forever ago until the very last night.Mitch sits himself on the couch and starts reading each one,and by the time he is done he is crying so hard his lungs struggle to gather air from his lungs and Wyatt jumps on the couch,scared at the strangled sounds that come out of Mitch's throat.  
He had been so blind to all of this,he was,as Scott wrote,sleeping,always sleeping,while this beautiful boy wrote the most amazing words for him,while he was spilling his heart out in ink and with words,and all he could do was take him for granted and doubt him,when he had been in love for so long,even after he found out about the real Mitch,the one only Kirstie knew.

Mitch tries to gather himself together but he ends up only crying harder,feeling this immense amount of pressure on his chest.Every time he tried to take a deep breath of air he would end up out of air,desperately trying to fill the gap Scott left.

It all makes sense,and it all comes crashing down,and now he understands what Scott meant by "maybe if you don't see it you don't want it" and god,the tears are coming too quick for him to handle,so he wraps his arms around himself tight,literally trying to keep himself together,because it feels like any second now he's going to float away like dust into air and disappear,and that would happen before he got a chance to make Scott happy like he made him happy.He reads the notes over and over again and he reaches out for his phone,because now he literally feels sick and his head pounds.He isn't sure if he's having a panic attack or a heart attack or something,but something isn't right.  
Just before his vision becomes blurry,he manages to text Scott as he collapses on the pillows with a stack of his letters still in his hands.

To: Scott  
come.home  
please


	20. Extra - The stack of letters

1\. Hey  
It's 2:30 am and I am walking around our apartment again,counting the shades of auburn in your eyes -I am up to 25.Earlier I counted 200 stars and I tried to gather some sleep from them but they wouldn't share any.I almost cried at the thought that Im doing all this in our apartment,the only thing we share when actually,if it were up to me,you would have my everything,because you are my everything.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

2\. Hey  
It's 4:45 am and I am thinking about you,still.Don't ever assume I'm not thinking about you.Thinking about how you are alone,in your sheets,and I am here imagining your kisses putting smiles on my lips.There are times I could swear the little crinkles your eyes make when they smile could end wars.But I am here,and you are there,and my only wish at this late hour is to be the air that fills your lungs.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

3\. Hey  
It's 3:26 am and here I am ,wishing I'd woken up up to see the vague outline of your body lying next to me on the bed,your chest rising in a peaceful rhythm as you inhale and exhale.My only wish in this world is laying my head on your chest and drifting away to the sound of your beating heart - but it's 3:30 am now and I come back to the reality that you're not mine and I don't sleep,I just dream.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

4\. Hey  
It's 5 am- I am sitting here while the city is spinning around me and I just realized that if I'd known "goodnight" really meant "goodbye" I guess I would have tried to kiss you a little longer that night.There are 5 storeys between my feet and the concrete,on which I could so easily smash right now,giving my last breath -don't worry,that would be for you too,just like everything else I do.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

5\. Hey  
It's 1:20 am and I wanted to let you know that back then,I didn't know how to say it when it was the right time -my voice cracked and I started crying because the only way I could tell you how in love I am would've been by having your lips against mine and you remembering it all,too -so I stopped myself because while you are a whole galaxy,I am barely a crack in the pavement.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

6\. Hey  
It's 4:40 am and I'm roaming the dark streets -I've never felt more alone and scared.The place in my pocket where your warm hand was supposed to be,locked with mine,now rests a cigarette that is supposed to fill this incredible gap you left in my heart - you're missing from me,because you are a part of me.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

7\. Hey  
It is 3:37 am.Tonight I said I'll drink until my blood turned into alcohol,and I would forget your name.I ended up forgetting mine first.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

8\. Hey  
It's 5:49 am.I never meant to depend on you - I promised myself I'd never do this again.But now we sleep in cold beds and I realize I wanted so bad to at least be the morning sun waking you up that I ended up being just a light bulb you can choose to switch on or off whenever you desire - you gave me nothing but a constant desire of you showing me I am something to you.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

9\. Hey  
It's 2:50 am.Today we kissed,and honestly,I wish I could make your lungs cave everytime we kiss.I wish I could steal your breath and hold your life behind my lips,just so that you would remember me as i remember you,as a storm and not as a simple rain.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

10\. Hei,  
It is 6 am and I'm so tired that the only thing I can think of is how easily I can drown in your eyes.The only thing that make sense after not sleeping for so long is the fact that you are my everything and I am nothing ,you are a city and I am that flower growing out of the concrete that you stepped on because no one like you would ever look down to someone like me.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

11\. Hey,  
It's 4:16 am.I want to write a poem for you,one that actually makes sense.I want it to make you understand my heartbeat,just as I understand yours - because I hum along with it everytime I hear it.I want to be yours,and I want you to be mine,heartbeat and all.I w ant to write a poem that can tell you all of this and more ..and everything.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.'  
12\. Hei  
It is 12:03 and it's pouring outside.I have always loved thunderstorms,mostly because they remind me of you,or maybe because I'm barely an April shower.I hope someday soon you will kiss me like the rain kisses the earth.  
But you are asleep.Sweet dreams.  
13\. Hei  
It's 2:22 am.You slept in my bed last night and all I felt were my insides tearing me apart.I can't forget it and I can't let go -you're my favorite song and I've had you stuck in my head for so long,you became a part of my voice.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

14\. Hei  
It's 5:30 am.You have been a sad story to my ears for quite some time now because I could only find poetry in the warmth of your lips on my skin.I used to be able to write about the sky,about empty streets or about the thin,cold air of the night.But now it's all youyouyou  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

15\. Hei,  
It's 3:55 am.I have always wondered if this is all a liquid dream, unsubstantial and impossible to hold onto.But then you took my hand and they fitted perfectly,and the way you looked up at me made my heart cave in,so I guess maybe this isn't a dream,maybe you're my dream.And I never,ever want to wake up.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

16\. hei  
It is 4:47 am and I hope that,for once,you can't sleep.So you can see how it is to have every single night transform itself in a sleepless mess of your eyes,or the way your hipbones push slightly forward when you hug me,the way you stir in your tea endlessly,or the way you..your eyes,oh god,your eyes.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams

17\. Hei  
It is 6:41 and I ran out of paper so I started writing on anything that I could find -napkins,old books,newspapers.I wrote on everything because I felt like if I don't spill the words I have accumulated about you I will not be able to think or sleep ever again,so I panicked.I calmed when I heard you sleeping in my bed and I was at peace when I lied next to you.I long for a forever of scribbled napkins.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams

18\. Hei  
It is 5:47 am and last night I added new definition to my idea of pain - the night I saw you saying sorry for all the pills you took and all the damage was also the night I watched you drown yourself in sorrows you couldn’t live with anymore.I'm sorry for screaming swim! at you along with the others for so long,I promise to never leave you drifting away in the ocean again.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.


	21. Chapter 20 - Epilogue

Hei  
It is 2:30 am,and I want you to know that no matter if my lips are there to burn fires under yours and no matter if my hands are there to wrap themselves around you because I crave no space between us you will always have my lines,my papers and all my words to keep you warm and aware of the fact that you are always with me,- in my heart and in my words.  
But you are sleeping.Sweet dreams.

Scott's POV

Scott drives for hours around the streets of L.A.His mind is completely blank,every fibre of his being is numb and he just feels like the remains of a shipwreck,just scraps of whatever Mitch left behind when he came tearing through his life.

He hates this,he hates the way his fingertips are fumbling and eager to gently brush Mitch's hair when it's out of place,the way he reacts when they hug and he feels Mitch's hipbones pushing slightly forward,the way his shirts smell like Mitch because he wears them at night,and every time he moves it feels like the brunette just left the room because the scent lingers.

He hates the way he could describe Mitch's eyes in endless poems without even using the colour brown,and he hates the way Mitch messes with his head -he walks like he is dancing in response to some inner music,and when he talks it takes Scott a while to process what he is being told because he is too busy staring at how beautiful his collarbones arch when he's holding his hand out to bring Scott closer or at the way the vowels in his name roll off the brunette's tongue,making them softer,making Scott weak in the knees.  
It would be pathetically cute if it wasn't so tragic,if Scott didn't realize the impact all this had on him,if he wasn't painfully aware of the fact that he could never go back to what he used to be.  
He somehow finds himself pulling up in the parking lot of Kirstie's building and when he knocks on her door he seems just as surprised to see her as she seems.Kirstie wants to say something but then she stops herself because she gets it- buy only after looking at Scott.His dark circles,darker than usual,the black in his eyes,the way he hides his hands in his pocket so she wouldn't notice they are trembling,the fact that he stinks of cigarettes.  
She lets him in and follows with a worried look.He sits down at the counter and sighs,looking in blank,no expression whatsoever.He rests his head in his hands and Kirstie just sits in silence,because she knows Scott -when he was ready,he would talk.

"It all feels like I've just woken up from a dream."  
And so it is.He closed his eyes and next thing he knows,he suddenly loves this boy..this beautiful,broken boy.And he doesn't just love him,as in 'we're bestfriend let's share laughs and cigarettes',he loves him,as in 'You are running through my veins and I would take a bullet for you' kind of love.And he doesn't even see it,it's all games and distractions to him,it's just touch and go,so yeah,it all feels surreal,so Scott sits in Kirstie's kitchen because he doesn't know what else to do,because going home would mean taking a big decision - stay or go,flee or fight.

"You know,Mitch had a reason for all of this.Besides being afraid of you hating him,of course." Kirstie's voice is soft but sharp at the same time,confident,as she drums her fingers on the counter and looks absently in the distance.

"Aaron,your ex who suddenly became so friendly and who you thought was just keeping you company.That asshole hasn't changed at all." The way Kirstie accentuates on the word asshole and the amount of hate she puts into it makes Scott realize something is wrong.

"What do you mean?" Kirstie leans forward and takes Scott's hands into hers,holding them so they stop shaking."It was him,honey." Scott is confused for a second but then he looks at Kirstie's hands and he can still see the scars on her wrists from where she had all those IV put in,and when he looks her in the eye the pain of that memory is still so fresh ,that his heart kind of sinks in and he's almost nauseous because he anticipates what Kirstie is about to say.

"He's the one who left me to die on that street.He pretended to be a cab driver,he must've been desperate for money or something,and apparently he was drunk out of his mind,so when the crash happened he got lucky and ran away before the police showed up.I guess he figured out I was going to recognize him and he started blackmailing Mitch,and he did it successfully for a very long time.I'm sorry I haven't told you,it wasn't my secret to tell."

Scott doesn't know what to say and just gets up and hugs Kirstie really tight,trying to express just how sorry he is that all this had to happen.He knows how hard it must've been for Kirstie to constantly be reminded of that horrible night and how hard it was for her to see him and pretend he was some stranger.

"Every time I see him my body shuts off and I get a panic attack."she confesses."I wish I could've helped Mitch that night,so he wouldn't have had to face Aaron alone." Kirstie finishes and looks down,tugging at her sleeves.Scott runs his fingers over her scars and kisses her forehead,sighing deeply."I promise he won't hurt you or Mitch ever again.He is going to pay for what he did.I'm sorry it had to happen like this."

Kirstie smiles sadly and looks up "I am ok now,but what about Mitch?You obviously love him more than anything,and he loves you.Don't give up on him just because he seem uncertain,or because he says the wrong things or pushes you away.That's his nature.He was forced by fate to believe no one would love him ever again,that he wasn't worth it.This isn't a game for him,you know.His ways of showing might be confusing,but he does love you.He thinks it's selfish,he thinks it's a 'sure death' for you,but don't let him pull away.Go home.Most importantly don't let him slip away from you."

Kirstie's speech is ended by the sound of Scott's phone buzzing.He gets up quickly and heads for the door,but he throws one last glance back and whispers 'thank you' to Kirstie,who just nods with a hopeful expression in her eyes.

__________________

Scott drives back home like a maniac,ignoring red lights and speeding limits.He barges in the apartment and kneels besides the couch,where Mitch is lying half unconscious.He is surrounded by all his letters - he must've somehow found them and now he was blabbering on,shaking under the thick covers.Scott starts panicking when he notices he is hallucinating,so he shakes him,trying to bring him to his senses."Please,wake up,I'm sorry too,I didn't know,please.Don't do this to me,I love you.God,Mitch,wake up."

Mitch opens his eyes slightly but he doesn't really seem present -they are bloodshot and his expression scares Scott to death."But you are sleeping" Mitch quotes and his eyes tear up as he wraps his arms around himself."I was always sleeping Scott,wasn't I,always sleeping, always blind.You eventually got tired and left,you left me,haven't you Scott?"

It doesn't really seem like Mitch is talking to Scott,and that what scares him the most."Mitch,you are burning up.Have you taken your pills yet?Or at all today?Please,Mitch,talk to me,I'm freaking out." Mitch smiles sadly and closes his eyes again."Shh,I am sleeping now.I'm always sleeping,and you are always awake.I should just make myself sleep for good."Scott doesn't wait any longer and just rushes to the bathroom,where he opens the cabinet and grabs a box labeled Monday.

When he comes back it takes him forever to open the little container,but when he eventually manages it he hands it to Mitch with a glass of water,an aspirin and a broken,abused heart.Scott sits by him and makes sure the brunette takes all his pills.Mitch closes his eyes again and Scott watches over him until his breathing has steadied,and tries not to think about Mitch's words,the ones about going to sleep for good.

"I am here,Mitch.I'm not leaving,not anymore.I'm here to stay." The whisper lingers in the air and for a second the blonde is afraid Mitch changed his mind and wants him to go away.  
Scott can't help but smile when the most beautiful hazel eyes open into his and they have a new kind of light in them,faded,but present,and it's so mesmerizing it takes Scott's breath away.

"I want you to be mine,ok?" he says,and Mitch raises his eyebrows in surprise and lifts himself a little,his voice breaking. "Despite this all?" he gestures to the pill bottle,but he also means to point out to all the empty wine bottles,all the nights he spent wasting away,all the times he made Scott cry and all the cigarettes he made him burn into his own lungs -he means to point out the last months.

"With this all." Scott corrects him and kisses his trembling hand."Not despite it,with it.Because of it.We both have so much to work on,and there are so many missing pieces and blurred lines,but oh god,if I'm sure of one things it's that I'm in love with you.And I think it's time we both stop fighting it."

Scott leans in and the brunette responds to his kiss immediately,his tongue grazing over Scott's bottom lip.He hums in appreciation and Scott can feel Mitch crying,so he scoops him in his arms and raises him slightly,walking over to his bedroom with Mitch's legs wrapped up around his waist."Now let's go to sleep,because I am so exhausted" Scott whispers in Mitch's ear.  
The brunette is too tired to speak,so instead he nuzzles his face in Scott's neck and whispers softly.

"Yours."  
________________________


End file.
